JOKES
In a Plain
Brown Wrapper
BEST JOKES OF THE PAST 20 YEARS
Compiled by
RON SHARROW
Author of the Bruce West Novels
Copyright © 2010 by Ron Sharrow. All rights reserved. No part of the original material in this book, including but not limited to the cover design may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without express permission of the copyright owner.
Ronald M. Sharrow
111 Desert Holly Dr.
Palm Desert, CA 92211
www.Ronsharrow.com
E-mail: ronsharrow@aol.com
This collection of jokes has been compiled from material all of which resides in the Public Domain. The jokes in this anthology, including the original creations of Ron Sharrow, are not subject to copyright ownership and may be quoted, copied and reproduced without prior permission.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication
Sharrow, Ron
Jokes in a Plain Brown Wrapper
Jokes in a Plain Brown Wrapper/ by Ron Sharrow
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person with whom you wish to share it. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to www.Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Humorous – IC01600
ISBN: 9781452486192 - eBook
ALSO BY RON SHARROW
A Lawyer’s Revenge
Conspiracy
Mistaken Identity
Busted
The Full Moon Diary
~~~
TABLE OF CONTENTS
“Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, at which the audience never fail to laugh?”
~ Aristophanes, 405BC
“The world has joked incessantly for over fifty centuries, and every joke that’s possible has long ago been made.”
~ William Gilbert, 1894
“Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old, You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing”
~ Anonymous
~~~
There are no new jokes! New jokes are just old ones re-told with a different cast of characters or updated to current political and world events. A joke could be new to you because you may never have heard it before, or because you heard it so long ago you’ve forgotten it. Every joke in this book has been told before―more than once. The fact is that a joke, which is not worth repeating, is not funny!
The humor is often in the delivery of the joke, which makes it difficult to tell jokes in a book. The dialect, timing, accents and expressions are difficult to recreate in writing. So as you read these jokes, try to read them as if you were delivering the joke to an audience. It will help you hear the joke the way it was intended to be told.
What is a joke anyway? According to Webster: “a joke is something said or done to provoke laughter. Something not to be taken seriously. A brief narrative with a climatic, humorous twist.”
If you have been the target of a joke, then you are in good company. Among the favorite targets of comedians have been God, Moses, The Pope and every world leader from the beginnings of recorded history.
So, if a joke is meant to be funny; if it is not intended to be taken seriously, why are some people offended by certain jokes? The answer is quite simple―most jokes point out or exaggerate the flaws or stereotypes of one group or another, or some prominent person, often in a denigrating manner in order to achieve the sought after humor.
In reality then, a joke requires a target and what seems funny to the teller may be insulting to the listener particularly if he or she is a member of the targeted class, i.e., a blonde, a clergyman, someone of Polish decent, a lawyer, a redneck, or a whatever. Even then, the listener may only be offended if he or she is not endowed with a self deprecating sense of humor.
Not everyone in any particular class necessarily fits the stereotypical mold. Not all blondes are dumb. All lawyers are not crooks (except for the ones who are politicians). Not all Polish people are stupid, especially the one who invented the toilet seat―it took nearly 200 years before a German engineer improved it by cutting a hole in the top.
But, if you fit the mold of the stereotype and take yourself too seriously to laugh when you are the target of a joke, you probably should not read this book. There is virtually no way to avoid being offended. Unless, of course, you are a dumb blonde or a dumb Polack or an illiterate, in which case you probably won’t understand the joke anyway.
It is easy to laugh at jokes targeting someone else or some other profession or group, but sometimes it’s not so easy to appreciate the humor when you are the target of the joke yourself. Some stand-up comedians make their living targeting their own audiences. Those people laugh the loudest; laugh the longest and get the last laugh. Comedians like Rodney Dangerfield were successful making fun of themselves. Henny Youngman became successful making fun of his wife. She was his best audience!
Although, I am certain that the creators of these jokes never intended them as anything more than humorous observations and meant them to be funny, some nevertheless are mean-spirited―funny―but mean spirited.
For the past twenty years, I collected every joke I‘ve heard or received in an e-mail if it made me laugh out loud. I didn’t originate this material, so I take no responsibility for its content, with the exception of the few jokes, which I believe evolved from my own sense of humor. At least, I have never seen them in an e-mail or heard them told by anyone else. Those few jokes can be identified by the use of my first name as one of the characters. I will only accept responsibility for them and for thinking the other jokes were funny enough to be included in this book.
I did not set out in this endeavor to insult or denigrate anyone. My goal was to make you laugh. As you laugh at these jokes, remember Webster’s definition: “something not to be taken seriously.” Those who can laugh at themselves will have the best laughs!
~~~
A NOTE ABOUT THE TITLE
Ads for sexually explicit material and sex toys most always include as an enticement the phrase, “Delivered in a plain brown wrapper.” The title was inspired by one of the funniest cartoons I have seen: A woman is receiving a package in a plain brown wrapper from a delivery man whose panel truck is parked in her driveway. The truck has the name of the company emblazoned on the side panels―The Dildo Store.―with a giant sized dildo adorning the roof of the truck.
~~~
A NOTE ABOUT RON SHARROW
Throughout the years that Ron was actively practicing law, he kept a journal into which he scribbled notes of the funny things people said to him, the malapropos and the preposterous situations people got themselves into.
He is the published author of a series of novels written to memorialize some of the bizarre cases and the humor he chronicled in that journal. The Bruce West Novels are a series of humorous stories about the life, escapades and legal exploits of a successful, young, attorney. Ron authored The Full Moon Diary, a book of short stories, also inspired by his journal.
Visit the author at www.ronsharrow.com to view excerpts of his published books.
~~~
In the beginning, there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light!” ... And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
~~~
The 10 Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, “I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.”
The Arabs asked, “What are Commandments?” And the Lord said, “They are rules for living.”
“Can you give us an example?”
“Thou shall not kill.”
“Not kill? We’re not interested.”
So He went to the Blacks and said, “I have Commandments.”
The Blacks wanted an example and the Lord said, “Honor thy Father and Mother.”
“Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.”
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, “I have Commandments.”
The Mexicans also wanted an example and the Lord said, “Thou shall not steal.”
“Not steal? We’re not interested.”
Then He went to the French and said, “I have Commandments.”
The French too, wanted an example and the Lord said, ”Thou shall not commit adultery.”
“Sacre bleu! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.”
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, “I have Commandments.”
“Commandments?” they said, “How much are they?”
“They’re free.”
“We’ll take 10.”
~~~
Moses is standing before God holding the two tablets with the 10 commandments. “Let me see if I’ve got this straight,” he says to God. “I’m going to give my people these tablets and then tell them they’ve got to cut off the ends of their what?”
~~~
Some believe that first God created woman and gave her three breasts. He then asked the woman “Is there anything that you’d like to have changed?”
She replied, “Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?”
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed, as she was holding that third breast in her hand, “What can be done with this useless boob?”
And then, it is said, that God created man.
~~~
The End of Civilization
Eve is meandering through the Garden of Eden admiring the beautiful flowers, watching in fascination as the butterflies are flitting from petal to petal. She’s smiling at the beautiful sounds of the birds whistling their mating calls. But she is lonely and longs for a mate as she watches the birds nestling together with their mates.
Suddenly her attention is drawn to a figure emerging through the trees into a clearing. It’s a handsome young man...her heart skips a beat...a big smile spreads across her face and she waives to the handsome young man. He spots her and skips effeminately with gay abandon, waving to her with a limp wrist and shyly saying with a lisp, “Tsk, oh, hi there!”
~~~
God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?”
“Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like her to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.”
“Hmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”
“Oh,” says Adam, “Well, what can I get for a rib?”
And you know the rest of the story!
~~~
Trust in God; He understands all...except for legal small print.
~~~
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”
Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?”
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord that was enjoyable.”
And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.”
And Adam said, “What is a ‘caress’?”
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”
And the Lord said, “You’ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.”
And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’, Lord?”
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”
~~~
After making love for the first time, Eve rushes off to the river.
“Where have you been?” Adam asks upon her return.
She tells him she went to the river to bathe herself.
Adam replies, “Aw fuck! Now all of the fish are going to smell like pussy!”
~~~
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were that the short story had to contain something about religion, sexuality and mystery. The winning short story was, “Good God, I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it!”
~~~
God is very tired and he decides that he needs to take a vacation. He discusses possible destinations with Saint Peter.
“Why not try Pluto?” suggests Saint Peter.
God answers, “I have bad memories of Pluto. 20,000 years ago I went skiing there. I had a really bad fall.”
“What about Mercury? Not much skiing there.”
Again God declines. “10,000 years ago I visited Mercury and got badly sun burned. I still haven’t forgotten.”
“I know!” says Saint Peter. “Go to Earth. It’s not too hot and not too cold.”
“I can’t go there either,” answers God. “About 2000 years ago I knocked up this Jewish chick and they’re still making a big fuss about it down there.”
~~~
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” God said.
Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”
Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time!”
~~~
Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates. “Are you hungry, Moses?” asks God.
“I could eat,” Moses replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day, God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again, it’s tuna and rye bread. And again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can’t contain himself and longer. Meekly, he says: “God, I am grateful to be here in Heaven with you as my reward for the pious, obedient life I led, but here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread. I notice that in that other place they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand.”
God sighs. “Let’s be honest,” He says. “For just two people, does it pay to cook?”
~~~
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good; he had a well-paying job, a beautiful wife and his children were healthy and good-natured; whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: “Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems to be blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”
And a great voice was heard from above: “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
~~~
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of leftover things left in his bag of creations. So he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well...good.
“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. “What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...!”
~~~
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like”
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute!”
~~~
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
“Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?” God asked.
“I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a most sinful manner. There are drugs, alcohol, murders; you name it...a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I’m afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.”
“Hmmm,” God said thoughtfully, “Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?”
“I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity,” replied St. Peter.
“That is an effective solution,” God stated, “but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let’s send a letter that’s personally signed by me to each one of these good people.” And so they did.
Do you know what the letter said?
No?
Hmmm...You didn’t get the letter either, huh? Bummer!
~~~
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked Him, “God how long is a million years to you?”
And God answered, “A million years is like a minute.”
Then the man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”
And God replied, “A million dollars is like a penny.”
Finally the man asked, “God, could you give me a penny?”
And God said, “In a minute.”
~~~
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~ Socrates
~~~
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes. The first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table; next to them, a single red rose. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Martha.”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it; then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why all this attention and outpouring of love?”
His son replies, “Oh, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom and tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone lady, I’m married!”
~~~
A man went to see the rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The rabbi, very surprised, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The rabbi then offered, “Tell you what...let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her for three hours. You want my advice? Take the poison!”
~~~
A husband and wife were in their back yard and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, “Boy, your ass is getting big...almost as big as the gas grill here.”
She angrily stomped across the yard and he followed, saying, “Yep, that thing is huge.”
At this the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon, he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width and exclaimed, “Yup! It is as big as the gas grill!”
Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away.
“C’mon honey”, he said, “What’s wrong?”
Her cold reply was, “I’m not firing up the grill for one little wiener!”
~~~
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on under a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times until her husband notices and says, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
“Yes,” she answers with a seductive smile.
“Thank God for that...I thought you were sitting on the cat!”
He never heard the gunshot.
~~~
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, “You need more tail!”
The guy turns to his son and says, “Son, I never will understand women. Yesterday I told her I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite!”
~~~
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, “I’ve found a woman just like mother!”
His father replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”
~~~
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “You wouldn’t think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
~~~
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
~~~
A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
“Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?”
“Yes, of course,” she replied.
“Well, I would have been released tonight.”
~~~
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?”
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately, tore her clothes off and screwed her brains out. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “I play golf on Wednesdays, but I can bring her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
~~~
An orthodox Jewish family hired a marriage broker to find their thirty-two year old son a suitable partner. The marriage broker brought the family together to announce his discovery of the perfect mate for their son. “I’ve found the perfect candidate,” he announced gleefully, thinking of the sizeable fee he would earn from his matchmaking. “She’s twenty-nine, from a prominent, highly regarded and very wealthy Jewish family. She is well educated in the classics, an accomplished musician, an excellent cook and to top it all off she is ab-so-lutely gorgeous,” he finished with a broad smile.
“But is she any good in bed?” asked the prospective bridegroom.
The matchmaker responded with a shrug, “Some say yes...some say no!”
~~~
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
~~~
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly... make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said.
She replied, “The doctor said you’re going to die.”
~~~
A man sat at a bar drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, “What’s the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?”
The man said, “We had a fight and she told me that she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month.”
The bartender said, “That should make you happy.”
The man said, “The month is up today!”
~~~
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
~~~
Manny is almost 29 years old; his friends have already gotten married and Manny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, “What’s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can’t you find anyone who suits you?”
“No,” Manny replies. “I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking!”
“Listen,” his friend suggests, “Why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your dear ole mother?”
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together.
“So, Manny...did you find the perfect girl yet...one that’s just like your mother?”
Manny shrugs his shoulders, “Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her...they’ve became fast friends.”
“So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?”
“I’m afraid not...my father can’t stand her!”
~~~
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.
~~~
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “Wow! This stuff really works!”
~~~
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
~~~
A Man was telling his friend, “My wife made me a millionaire.”
“And what were you before you married her?” asked the friend.
“A multi-millionaire.”
~~~
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband and walked off.
“Who was that?” the wife demanded.
“If you must know,” the husband replied, “that was my mistress.”
“Your mistress? That’s it! I want a divorce!” the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, “Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry and our vacation home in Mexico?”
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, “Isn’t that Howard over there? Who’s he with?”
“That’s his mistress,” her husband replied.
“Oh,” she said, taking a bite of dessert. “Ours is much cuter.”
~~~
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi; the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Moishe.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Moishe Glickman. There’s a guy who did everything right...like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something, huh?”
Cabbie: “He had a memory like a computer...could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy, ehh?
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams; not like me...I always seem to get into them”
Passenger: Mmm, not many like that around”
Cabbie: “And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Moishe.”
Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”
Cabbie: “I married his widow.”
~~~
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”
~~~
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “University of Maryland...what’s that got to do with anything?”
~~~
Guy runs into an old friend on the street. They’re catching up on what’s been happening to them over all the years.
One says, “By the way, how’s your wife?”
“Oh, she’s an angel!” he replies.
The other says, “Boy, are you lucky...mine’s still living!”
~~~
A man married a good-looking lady and after the wedding, he demanded the following rules: