In A FISHBOWL
Nikki Jauron
September 2009
Welcome, my dear enthusiast! Good to see you again. Welcome back to the Fishbowl. I trust there's room enough in here for you to stretch out and enjoy your journey. I tried to be accommodating. If you're a first time visitor to my World of WERD, you should know only one thing.. Okay.. Well two..
1. The dates are not in chronological order. I only include them as an historical marker. The flow of the pieces are much less tumultuous and more massaged to fit a story
line.
2. ENJOY YOUR VISIT.
Yeah, that's really about it. Many thanks to everyone who's been involved with the culmination of this project.
My gratitude and love are yours. Thanks! Much Love, Yo! :D -Nikki 09/09
Friday, April 17, 2009
National Day Of Silence
I took a day of peace and decided to jump into space and calm and sent my energy out to the people who needed it.
I will be attending Night of Noise, for a few different reasons.
One is to celebrate and the other is to get a piece for the next project.
I'm wasting away sitting here in the cold, as usual and wondering when things will get running.
You do your things.. Hahah this is SO TIRED..
7:03 PM
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Actually, yes, there was something I needed to tell you.
Current mood: quixotic
I wanna roll around on the floor and take turns squeezing each other.
Laughing and giggling and being ridiculous. Take me out of my shell.
Don't be afraid of me going speechless. Watch for my wry grin, and know it's all for
the best.
It'd be cool to see you in any form you
should take... When we're outta makeup, we aren't the
cocksuckers we play on TV. I can remember that..
You can remember that. Ask me about the rumors you've heard.
Though you may not believe some, there may be questions you wanted an answer to.
I'll give it to you.
When have I ever not wanted to tell you?
There's a difference between not being able to speak, and willfully
withholding.
Let me have a couple breaths, and I withhold no longer.
Which side of my coin would you like me to land on first?
I am two-sided, but with only one face.
I believe this is a quality that should be recognized as highly regarded; and in some circles, it is.
In youth, wisdom and beauty is RARE.
Wanna come over and help me put a new tube on my wheel?
I am a female, after all, and I may need the assistance of a rugged individual once in a
while.
There are tasks I simply cannot achieve with just my Leatherman.
4:29 AM
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Calling The Masters.
Current mood: hopeful
That I am.
I rarely ask for anything but clarification, but I need to see you tonight.
So then, I did receive the message. Thank you.
And all of us, in approval and gratitude.
Take a breath and spin around three times..
But isn't that a lot like an L. Frank Baum story?
Haha, where do you think he gets it from?
I suppose I don't really need to ask, huh?
:) That is correct.
Right now I feel like a teenager. Still uncertain of anything.
As if I need to have some sort of I don't know.. Majick potion or something...
Like I'm still not sure of myself.. Everyone is out. I was out all day. I guess I'm kinda
feeling homey.
But...
But there's something else.. But you already
knew that.. So what do I do??
Go.
What about tomorrow?
If you keep waiting, it will be tomorrow..
I suppose you're right..
10:32 PM
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Hahah That WAS QUICK... Grudge, much? :)
Current mood: amused
When you put the time and the blood, sweat and tears in for almost a year, and it only
takes a day to be booted off the list..
Looks like someone wasn't a fan..
I waste no time on contemplation.
Looks like I pissed someone off.
Whoops!
Like that's a surprise.
I see how much I was really worth.
Damn.. I guess I shoulda been a robot..
9:52 PM
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Guild Beckons.
Current mood: animated
From many years of olde.
We left on unsavory terms and now, as if we never left each other's side, we are back
again.
The two young cavaliers, who wanted to show the world we could bring a level of
unity to civilization through artistic means, we have done so.
Yes, we do get better.
Yes, we do begin to offer up our hearts to the world.
And the world seeks us.
Perhaps to take it to the next level, but also possibly just to see what we're gonna do
next.
Our elders, split down the middle in their approval, but no matter.
For we have been here long enough. In our attics, in our basements, in our sweat and
numerous buckets of tears.
Our armor penetrated only from the inside, unless continuous wear promotes a
weakened spot.
Our land, still welcomes us back with fervor.
I was a rogue for a great many years, believing I could never go home.
Touring this road. Feeling bruised and broken and wanting so much to connect
with my allies.
My family. My source for major encouragement and salvation, time and time over.
At first, as I came into myself, I needed to learn how to be the warrior.
To rise above all things, and if I couldn't, I used one of the only weapons I had at my
disposal to fend off the attack of regular and deepening slings and arrows.
My cunning. My invisibility. My ability to shrink into the tiniest of corners and crags.
When all else failed, I used my voice.
I hardly ever had to use anything else.
Then he showed up.
And we walked, skipped, jumped, drooled, and wrote techno and computer language...
ASCII.. For real, when PC's were painfully lame and the Apple IIe was a cute little
rectangle.
10:55 PM
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Officially 20 Minutes.
Current mood: blissful
Till I need to figure out where I'm going for the rest of the evening.
Warm place, not in my bed.
A public place.
Somewhere I am invisible and prolific.
Maybe searching through my inner dialogue among the smell of a million particles of
dust elsewhere. Places I will never visit.
Unknown to me or any other.
How would it be to write in a place of
worship?
A place where the silent prayers all culminate to be placed into the tiny tubes of conscious thought all making their way faster than the speed of light to the creator itself.
A place where the seminary students don't think so loudly about their papers and when
they are due, but a place where they dwell, long after their earthly requirements have
been met.
Shuddering gently as the angels hold a meeting above me. Feeling their frequency
wander through my spiritual vessel.
It's been so long since I've been in the arms of another. Even longer since I was in the
arms of one who truly loved me.
Some have only known me since I was knocked back down to Earth.
A human made of clay?
An angel losing his wings at the dawn of the day?
After placing the power of love into the unwilling hands of a mortal.
Misunderstood.
Locked inside the gaze of one who wanted purely to command the powers of another.
The immortal, allowing the unavoidable tearing of the wings to occur, for a fleeting
moment of being loved by another. And knowing this wasn't the one.
Allowing oneself to become entangled in the net that wasn't worthy of catching and
keeping it to begin with.
And then the lack of willingness to want. To want to know. To know.
Just to be there to keep the bed warm and challenge its existence.
The creature's communications with God. As God suggested many a solution.
I wanted God to tell me. God did tell me. God gave me the free will, cause God loves free will. God admires the decisions we make. Keeps God entertained.
Oh, God... How was your weekend?
Mine was embroiled with multiplicity and love.
As usual. Though I still find rest and comfort within my own arms.
And entertainment and wisdom through myne own fingertips.
One more minute...
It is time.
5:41 PM
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Flair Amuses Me.
Current mood: blessed
First I think about the movie, Office Space, and how it was our movie during my first
year of Student Government. The second year was Miss Congeniality 2... Hahah.
Then I think about how clever it is, and then I avert my eyes from the need to want to
cringe every time I see amisspelled word, cause I do it all the time.
Then I think about how many people assume that just because I'm writing, I feel some
crazy level of hyper sensitivity to my own words and the ways I use them..
Do I know what I'm saying always? No.
Do I understand what I'm writing always?
No.
Do I when I come back to it? Sometimes.
A lot of times when I write from a freestyle, which I do regularly, I come back and look
at the stream of consciousness.
This past week, I have been less motivated, but if you only knew how many stories I
had.
If I could only begin to tell you how many stories I have you would be reading until I
ceased to exist, and after...
Because I would be as prolific as anyone ever could.
It's the beginning of the process.
I get a lot of relief from certain actions and thoughts, and this is sometimes the best way
to get my point across..
I am.
I did.
I could.
It happened.
And then we...
And it was all worth it.
It's hard to continue for me right now.
I fell off the horse because the antagonist was me.
I died a little.
Not as I die every night when I fall asleep, I died in the ways normal to the soul.
But this death is a regeneration.
This death sits in wait to see what happens next.
As if all my actions were based upon the Gods telling me I was required to cease in
order to reach the next door.
The next place I could rest and feel at peace as a human.
My heart no longer beats and I am more apprehensive and calculated, because I
cannot do anything more than just hope my calculations are correct.
Scholars are a mystery to some more than others because their mystery is based upon
those things which outsiders cannot see but what dwells within themselves.
I have turned into the mythical creature I had admired.
The simple fact is, I have a code of conduct I live within, to keep my moral base on an
even keel.
I enjoy the idea of playing fair.
Sometimes the modified laws of life change as fast as it takes me to swallow a cherry.
It always keeps me on my toes.
5 weeks... And counting.
We all get ready to do the one thing we set out to do...
Compete against ourselves in a crowd of many.
The shivers of love encompass me.
They all begin to arrive to assist me in the actions I've perpetuated.
I got thrown for a little loop.
Falling into a presumed role...
It comes when it needs to..
On command.
This is what life is.
A balance.
The structure of ourselves are succumbed to the actions of previous motivations and
current times as quick as the blink of an eye.
And what of today will I remember the most fondly.
The one thing I haven't had.
The overall feeling of being one again.
In this wrap of circumstances, I am victorious.. Victorius... Victorius Maximus.
If I were to tell you why this meant so much to me, first I would have to say, how it
makes me feel. I am a Goddess. I am Athena.
I am her personal Athena. That means something. I don't question who I am more
with anyone else. To everyone else, I am a human woman.
But I am her Queen; a king among the world.
The highest personification of what I could ever be. In her eyes. Her, in my lap, head
rested upon my shoulder. Finishing the last of her bagel as she eats all the cream cheese
off and is done with it.
I am her Hercules; her Atlas, picking her up and carrying her through the world with
ease. I miss being with her every day.
"Where you been?" She asked.
"Working." I said.
What could I have possibly told her about where I've been?
"'Purgatory," I thought.
Then I smiled and changed the subject.
4:48 PM
Sunday, May 10, 2009
It's Okay.
Current mood: enthralled
You don't have to tell me how much she has changed because I see it.
You sit quietly and read. You want to tell me you're proud of me.
You keep it to yourself.
I felt the change in the dynamic.
You WERE proud of me, but you'll never admit to it.
Maybe one day, you'll see it too.
Maybe one day you'll admit things to me.
It's hard being this open to hearing and feeling and listening.
We are two peas in a pod.
Her and I? We are always and ever will be.
You and I? We are always and ever will be.
Of course she's clever! I had a hand in this too.
Freakishly strong?
Of course she is, I had a hand in this too.
My equal?
Without a doubt ever in my mind.
I am blazing her trail as well.
It's why It's such a calculated action.
This is why I can't just dive in and create chaos.
It's always been on my mind.
She will walk upon the stones I carried upon my back.
I choose wisely, carefully.
Naturally, I am doing this all for a very important reason.
Naturally, this is why I must continue, for it is not all for my benefit alone.
But for all of us.
I don't even need to say the word to know what it all means.
Don't need to draw the map to remember how to get there.
Don't need to see the sun through the clouds to know it's there.
The blue sky sits above us, around us, within us.
I don't need to tell myself it's green to believe it exists.
Because it does.
It does anyway.
Happy Mother's Day.
I am grateful.
Indebted to you.
Elated.
3:58 PM
Friday, May 08, 2009
With every measure, this song breaks my heart deeper and deeper.
Current mood: awake
It's funny.
How music can create such a deep impact.
Mathematical notes and words and physics could create such a piece of work, we have
no choice but to tear up and weep for no reason, other than the absolute love and
appreciation of the moment we are caught up within.
I begin to realize how much I withhold.
How much of myself I have withheld from others.
The feelings. Wow. It's kinda silly I could believe such things about myself.
Such things we can trap ourselves in.
And continue to believe it's who we are.
So in the moment we awaken to old, old concepts. How joyus is this?
Especially looking from the outside, through my own tears, back into who I am.
The concept of seeing myself through others
is fine and dandy, but really, it's a stretch.
I just explained to someone the perils of seeing yourself through the reflection of
another's eye is an act to not base one's life upon...
But we do.
It comes natural to us.
We understand who we can be ourselves around.
We choose to make assessments of what and how we can be for those around us, based upon the reactions..
And isn't this what physics is really all about?
Reactions based upon atomic energies and firing neurons?
The chain reactions: One idea, built upon
another, built upon another, and so on.
Pretty soon, the manifesto is established and
the theorum is based upon the relative
calculations as to whether it is a plausible
case for being acted upon in a manner of
normalcy or not.
Oh, God.
Yes.
42, indeed.
Not really an mystery anymore, is it?
I love you.
7:04 PM
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Grrr... Argh, had one yesterday..
Current mood: weird
Weird. Here's mine, kinda.
Mine I have to refer to as uhh.. We'll do.. ..
Naw, that's too easy.. OK. 1 & 2, cause I
don't have a nickname for mine..
1 & 2 were hanging out. I was there. 1 was
always trying to elude me. I didn't press the
envelope.
While 2 always wanted me to be around.
I soon came to realize that 2 was in a
wheelchair. During that time we went
shopping for hats, I think, it could have been
Mardi Gras masks.
Or possibly Saturday Market type booths..
So, here's where mine kinda spins off...
Once again, Christmas is referenced, I have
barely any money, and its a wonder I
manage to get anybody anything.
So I get 1 a nice bottle of chocolate liqueur.
And I'm hanging out with 2 more and more
often.
While all I want is to hang out with 1.
I try to offer up things like assistance with
A/V stuff, as the TV wasn't working. Well,
actually, the VCR wasn't working.
Common A/V concern: User doesn't know
how to get TV/Video setting switched out..
Well, it goes from static to channels and
they begin coming in more and more clear.
I get the channel and begin doing Algebra
Homework.
We're at Mt. Hood now, or some campus
I've been to several times.
So I'm rocking through the homework, it's
easier than I expect it to be, and the algebra
turns into one giant song, with the bar staff,
this could be a play on something..
With measured numbers..
It's basically one gigantic, transparent
floating piece of sheet music.
No barriers. Just floating bars of music...
I wanted to organize it, but there was
nothing there.
So 1 & 2 dissolve back into my stream of
subconsciousness..
And I am left with this feeling of calm
accomplishment.
9:13 AM
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Yes.
Current mood: intense
I felt you go four times.
At the end, the body curl is my cue.
Sweat culminating on my temples.
My Forearm on fire.
Slows, and then gently rests.
Inside.
Slowly breathing and peering up.
Relaxing back on the pillow.
Crouched up to the wall.
You motion me upward.
Mouth open.
Sweat beading on your chest.
No words.
Calculated with purpose.
I retract, and slink with no motion to your
side.
Slowly curling, bringing my arm around.
Placing my weight carefully, so as not to stir
your supple pleasantries.
6:12 PM
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Entwined.
Current mood: aroused
You. Wrapped around my fingers.
Slick and soft.
The internal press.
How many is it?
One.
6:07 PM
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Ribbed. Rippled. Rhetorical..?
Current mood: aroused
Racing round the shadowed essence.
Sweet lingering.
Raw.
Red.
Silky petals echo in my quantum visions.
Aching.
Wrists tighten.
Feeling my tendons stretch.
Hot, sweet.
Breath.
Deep.
First time.
Release.
I can't feel the cold.
Fingers gripping.
Feel it in my solar plexus.
Your favorite toy.
Bet you didn't think I could hit that note.
You want to hear it again.
You want me to whisper it.
To mouth the words.
I barely do.
Do it perfectly.
You want to draw my blood.
It doesn't pierce.
Goosebumps on reddened swatches of flesh.
There is no pain at all, and then...
I inhale and growl in a way you never
thought a human woman could.
From the place below my throat.
The sound tightens your breath.
It takes more than one to exhaust me.
Your torture, it is not.
The tigress in the room watches on intently,
thirsty.
Ready for her chance to turn you into a
quivering, exhausted, beautiful puddle.
She is most gracious and takes care to caress
and nurture your weary soul.
Huddled together, we rest soundly.
4:30 PM
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Hello MOJO...
Current mood: amorous
My sexuality spiking. Furiously.
My heart is ON FIRE.
This time it's all about me and I love it.
I am so turned on right now and I have no
concept or idea why, but this sure feels
good, and even though He's in the
retrograde, He's cast me into my own
sensual creativity and balance.
My body is hot.
So much hotter than it has been in so many,
many months and I am ALL here.
I feel it coming.
Oh how I feel it coming, and the
transpirations of these sensations are
exuberant and WHOLLY refreshing.
This is my time.
This is so pure and so real and so true I have
regrown something in myself I thought I
would leave dormant for a long time.
I know, with spring comes the heat, the fire,
the sweat and the tension.
All of this. I pull my head back and take in a
silent breath and I release it all back into the
space.
Oh, yes. This is it.
My lungs squeeze out a simple breath and
my heart wants to burst and it feels so good.
I am at attention and feeling regenerated
and bigger.
My chest protruding and I am all muscle.
Within my flesh is the energy to sever ever
barrier.
I ask politely and unleash the force to stop a
moving train.
All about the focus.
All about the love.
All about the cast.
These sheets are not a veil, or a cloak.
Do you want me to play the hero, or the
villain, this time?
How bout you offer me up a potion to turn
me into a night creature with the ability to
read your mind and play upon your deepest
fears of fantasy?
I thought you might say that..
3:56 PM
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Electrical Tape & Strawberries.
Current mood: happy
"What are you wearing?" She sat down and
placed her tea in both hands casually.
"It was clean and bright, I needed to find
something that would bring me out of my
shell." Jamie responded lightly. "Do you like
it?"
Relishing the idea of a presumed mutual
thought, Vi retorted.
"Not as much as I fancy seeing them spread
all over your floor."
Jamie chuckled. "That doesn't mean we can't
do it again."
She layed back into her chair. Stirring the
foam on her latte into a galaxy shaped
pattern.
She scuffed the floor a little.
The soft friction created a gentle sound and
she looked up, grinning wryly.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to look at the
linoleum in the kitchen the same way again.
How are your wrists?"
"They feel fine. You're good with knots. I
would have never guessed. Looks like they
taught you well."She unbuttoned her sleeves,
and rolled her arms up to reveal her gentle skin.
Vi peered to the left and inhaled gradually.
Jamie looked out the window as Vi perused
the pages of a book written by a local
author.
"She has a way with words." Vi whispered
under her breath in Jamie's direction.
"How's that?" Jamie watched Violet's knees,
bouncing calmly in differing directions. Her
toes led the dance back and forth. "What is a
kiss?"
Alex stretched out and glanced over. She
smiled gracefully and began.
"A kiss is another dimension, cast from the
hopes and bounds of gallant dreams, shared
by beings who find themselves longing to
extend their reach through the space
between the transparent and the warmth of
souls conjoined. It's time travel to a
destination of wonder and enchantment
where sweet is less of an element, but as clear
as any day upon a warm ocean."
Jaime caressed Violet's hands. Her fingers
warmed and dignified.
"And even then, it's such a transcendence.
Your soul soothes me. I hope it's a one way
ticket to forever."
"I will follow you everywhere. I already
have." Tears seemed to well up where there
were none.
Their minds, embroiled in their previous journey of the two. Their experiences, fit for
a hundred lives. Running through the trials and the victories. The years of separate
experiences. The late nights and early mornings. The torrents of rain and wind and
broken guitar strings and awkward conversations. The moments when one would get into an intimate relationship while the other remained supportive, looking on, pretending not to care about the other being in someone else's arms.
What made this love story different than the others were how they saw one another.
Strong, beautiful, true, loyal and educated. If they never uttered another word aloud, they would still understand one another.
It was like the song they used to sing in the car on road trips that lasted forever. About
the people who weren't good enough for the other and the way they made each other feel. Even after years of separation. Each one knew the other was perfect.
Wondering always why they were so nervous to begin to profess their love for one
another. The act of lust, removed, washed away into the understanding of what love could actually mean.