Purge The System... Read The Words On The Unmovable Pages Of History
Sister, my sister.. So much has happened since the beginning of my experience in the world of education, and are we better for it? I think so...
I think we are.
So what's changed?
Our debts to society, for bettering ourselves. While we strive to improve our community, we're steadily immersed in the worry sometimes to achieve a peace within out monetary limits.
We now see how we manage and rebuild our happiness, how we take a break from the normal schedule and how our skills have been mastered and honed.
It's beginning to look like I'm finally getting a grasp on how to manage my life almost successfully. There are areas that I know need improvement, but how many people do I know who can remain true to their hearts and what the outside world requires of us...
And who are they to judge, when they live to smash the love out of our greatest of hearts?
We play by the rules.. We respect the rules, and we rarely veer off course to seek other means of wholeness.. How are we the ones who may be construed as unsteady when we soar to reach pinnacles of tranquility and absolute love... When we know to sustain one's self requires more than the most basic social hierarchy?
Yes, those needs must be met in order to make us feel like we're safe enough to achieve the greatest heights, but when we reach the tips of the sunbeams, then we understand why we needed to veer from the course of traditional social construction anyway. To respect the people is so easy when we see the perils and feel the scrapes of residual resentment of life as it is.
The titles have been watered down since the times when humans have fought one another for greaterness.. If they knew what we saw, would they still want it?
What separates us from the greedy? Do they know what we're up against? What we're going to have to do in their names? They may grow to see our actions as less valiant, but I know what I have to do...
To give back in order to improve the overall picture of greatness... I look less to how it will jeopardize my outlook upon the whole as to how it may shoot holes in me for a small time, but this is mandatory...
I hope it stings less than I think it will.. Now to break eggs... Not as much damaging as much as it will improve all of us for the better... I see what I need to do, and even so, I'm still not happy about it, but how did they manage to screw things up so much since then?
And why do I feel like I need to come back and fix it? How do I think I'll be able to fix so much in only a few short blinks of an eye?
I've set my destiny in motion. I have no other choice.. My good standing is less important this time as the bigger picture must be established once again... Damn the torpedoes... Here comes the scourge...
Bless us all in times of fury and justice.
My Thanks To The Sun.
Feeling more at peace and finding the enveloping world sharing in the rejoicing of the current day.
Seeking solace in places where I've developed into evolutionary moments in my history.
I can now begin the momentum I've kept bottled up for a while..
Unintentionally, and most of the extra exertion I've let flow through channels of great moments of spontaneity, and learning how to rethink and see the world as it evolves into itself.
The portions of me that grasp for firm foundation requires the nutrients of fertile opportunities.
Feeling relieved of some expectations.
Glad to be home.
Stomach, still upset..
Time to regain balance and assume the spread of new wings.
Tis the fan of the masses, and those who cannot see leadership as being able to achieve personal attainments become the spectators in life.
Likened to those who would critique without understanding of interpersonal awareness..
Someone who only sees the world for a moment between blinks of an eye. In the moment they have to seek the eloquence of their own little sordid measures of life. As they have been taught to measure it...
Without looking at the greatest details for more than a second.
I begin to wonder what I will be involved with, as the greatest is about to happen...
Why do I continue?
Because one of these days I'll finally figure out how to climb out of the cloud bank and see what I have to do.
Meanwhile, we all hang onto the deck and place our prayers to the will of the heavens...
She says, to go is to leave it all behind... Cryptic... Just as I am.
I wonder of this...
I wonder of all of this...
Clearly, I am but a transport of universal energy, housed in the most powerful form on this planet, and yet, I sit in reserve, waiting for the next order of our natural laws of creation...
It's a lot to chew on...
Such are the perils of being aware of one's self and personal actions...
Construed as being anything other than absolutely normal...
At least in the understanding of a social construct, anyway...
Have I Endured Enough To Be Deemed Worthy Of Your Heart?
A question I ask myself today, just to ask..
It's been about a month and a half since last I asked..
My body, dropped into the atmosphere after hurling myself as far away as I could to gain more wisdom and a bit of understanding...
The messages last night about how they were pushing me in a direction I apparently didn't feel like I was supposed to go...
The route markers I requested are apparently pointing me in the right direction, but still...
I feel confused sometimes...
Glorified in my humility and unafraid of putting anyone off.. As part of my resistance...
To a world I dare to love.
Such is the conundrum, isn't it?
Finding messages of love, being sent to me in ways so numerous I sometimes don't see it until it's almost passing me by.
The passion of a tiger in a world where they barely understand the concept of balance.
And to save those who see and know while leaving everyone else to their own paths.
It's no wonder we posses a great concern for the future sometimes...
To achieve in a moment of uncertainty is such a boon to the confidence.
Like those who have not evolved enough to see what comes next.
Sometimes it's a blessing and sometimes a great frustration...
Holding onto the powers of the world...
Meditating under my breath.
Releasing love back into the world...
The world needs more love..
And since I may give it freely, it's a relief to know it's there and regardless of where it ends up, it does arrive. :)
Oh, people.. Of all the things I could tell you, what would you hold onto in the end?
Pushing Myself Into The Physical.
I had forced myself back into a place I resided.
I began asking myself why, I wanted this...
Why I would make the effort to place myself in a position of vulnerability.
Why would I challenge the mainstream?
Why would I decide to share this experience with anyone else?
Why did I think I had something of sheer value to offer?
Was my heart in the right place?
Would I be more or less devastated after this experience?
What would I decide?
What was my ideal goal in this entire outcome?
Was I crazy?
Why would I do the things I did?
What was my motivation?
What was my motivation?
What was my motivation?
But the most important question still remains...
What IS my motivation?
I make promises only when I know I can achieve them, but it has NOTHING to do with my dreams.
Yeah, I do dream big... Probably bigger than anyone even knows...
Because I am who I am.
My comfortability dwells within my ability to achieve amazing results and empower others through my actions..
Like the Tony Hawk of my little world.
Done it for so long... It's ingrained.. Who I am, what I desire in the world. To be bold and fearless. Or at least bold and stoic..
That's my MO, in my own mind sometimes...
This is the fantasy part of my life... Or is it non fiction..?
This little majesty, the one who still believes and still loves after the multitude of decisions based upon the minds of another... Well, and that's the perfection of the world, right?
To know is to control everything.. I'm glad I have no rule over the freewill of the masses.
I'd rather they think on the level of admiration.
This gives me great hope for my future... Humans still have a heart, and their love is free to soar to fantastic levels.
Even after all the hurts and misunderstandings, they still enjoy sharing their love.
Which makes every breath in temporary discontent worth it...
Though I am ready to cash in my chips and go sailing for a couple of weeks...
Happiness is a life long process, and to remain happy is such a valuable tool...
To embrace and savor love during the heavy times holds great valor.
This little knight is still blessing the Kingdom of Rhiannon.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Sitting In My Home...
Someone asked this morning, if you continue to fail at something, then why continue to do it...
What a question...
Because I have faith...
Because I'm in love with who I am, even when I fail I am in love with my own soft tenacity and belief in things, and even people who I know the good in and it's all just a numbers game anyway...
When there is a promise brought forth, there also dwells the most quiet, beautiful voice of promise the world can hold within it...
It is whether you assist with the growth and development is finally where all the overall grace is found...
Using grace is such a beautiful and gentle practice, like the wings of a butterfly... soft and magical.. Powerful and with thought-filled action.
So we dive in with both feet, falling in love with everything. Because this is all we have... Everything.
Practicing how we respond to our grief and sadness is a huge means of measure.
Blessings to those who lose, but get back to their love in the knowledge they can follow their heart in their purest of love.
Hello Haven, I've missed you greatly. And I love you.
The Sensation Of It All.
Last night, I sat in my spiffy outfit, being nervous and hoping for greatness.
While it did seem to happen, there was also a slight stir and I had to breath a few times just to release the inner nervousness.
I came back down to Earth, and it was a safe landing, no crashing, we all made it out safely.
Even if there were moments when we asked ourselves what more we could have been doing, we all knew we were doing our best job, and the turmoils subsided after a while.
The good news, all mostly from someone who I barely met, who trusted and respected me enough to let me fly, even if I wasn't the greatest pilot at times.
And the people I saw, the people I learned about, the fascination for the spirit of the whole group was enchanting and amazing.
There was still a part of me that said we were destined for something we hadn't seen in the past.. But the future still looms over much of everything. And reminiscent of something that had pained me in places in my psyche.
The great minds of future peoples, taking less merit and instilling more convenience over their lives will prove to become a shortfall in the future, and some say it already has.
The greatest I can learn as a lesson would be what, then? The act? The directive? The ability to cast it all away and let it go? But what of the points I had made and what of the understanding of the individuals and small lessons I had learned? Do they all go down the drain too? And where does it all end up?
In this moment, I ask myself more about where I end up... Knowing my presence was more than just needed... But appreciated...
In some vein or another... It may take some time to figure out all of this..
Notably, it could take a few months, or more...
Why did I do this?
Why did I do this?
In this old familiar port, one that had changed so much...
They've called for my expertise... I replied, I said I would be there again..
Still, my heart did seem to break less this time, as I had experienced a great many disappointments in the past, this seems to hurt less, but I still feel the cold numb of loss.
Even on such a glorious day, I still feel a loss.
The loss of feeling like my efforts aren't good enough.
It's a hard way to think about the world..
Being in this great big place and not exactly finding your niche.. Or more apparent still, such effort is placed upon a personal ability to be human and loved and understood and appreciated, while you wait for the world to throw it all back at you and tell you it's simply not good enough...
The wish was not granted...
The efforts made, some of the mix was questionable.. The endeavor, not fully understood by the people around you.
Bringing me back into a place of question in my heart...
Sometimes asking myself why I even exist at all..
Life lessons riddled in sorrow...
There are moments when I grow weary of existence..
This is one of them.
But the people who did see us as being worthy, they also feel pain as well. So I am not alone. And I adore them as much as I can adore anyone.
Apparently, right now I'm content with being third string, and ready to cry rivers...
And at this moment, once again, I feel almost useless to the world.
In the eyes of anyone else, who is this outer shell to the world?
A strong woman, capable of sucking it up walking through the world as it chips away at everything she's ever believed to be perfect and absolute.
Barely soaring over the rough waters of the vast ocean of people who think of nothing more than their own salvation and happiness. Their jaws snapping up any resource they can attain, as I swirl over the currents and fly as fast as I can through the cresting waves...
Like a Brown Pelican in flight over the shore. Hard turns and momentum the only element keeping me going. Only diving when I have to.
Dearest World, this is why we shall deem ourselves extinct. They will not see it.. Because they don't want to.
It's hard putting yourself out there..
Harder still to spend much time in realms of failure. And hardest yet to pull yourself out of the tar-like consistency of self doubt you will face within your own personal turmoils.
This is why humans rarely fly.
Re-Flecting Back...
My mental prowess has taken a leave periodically recently.. It's getting back into the motion of being surrounded by many people and being asked many questions, spanning multitudes of topics, the least of which is what I'm wearing to the dance... What am I wearing to the dance?
Well, I already know, but it seems to be just a tad more appropriate for this go around.
The Week Passed So Quickly
Who knows what or why, but it certainly got me out of my shell..
I have become required to search through all my silence, and seek my truest and most sacred of voices.
I'm blinking a lot.
The day I laid upon the floor hoping I wasn't going to leave this life.. Moments drenched with sweat and absolute pain to the point of delirium.
I sat in the room, waiting for results. Unknown people prodding me, and I mostly welcomed it, until they had to flush my veins with saline. I still carry the deep tissue bruising. I sat on the bed past the time when I could catch public transit home.
I almost cried due to the fright of loneliness and the quiet dark room as I heard the voices of the people surrounding me with their own ailments.
I walked one mile in fatigue and pain until I had to call the yellow taxi to transport me the rest of the way back to my home and my nest of a bed that felt so perfect. I felt blessed, but also slightly powerless.
To follow the trail and been followed by an older woman who obviously just found her way to the streets for an unknown period of time. 3 am, she was wide awake and seeking a place to lay down in a place uninterrupted.
I picked up the paper I heard about, with the cover showcasing the local group I worked with and admired when the cab came up and carried me away... This is when I began thinking about the price I had to pay for my health.
For years, I had been offsetting the cost of the current suggestive health care available to a limited amount of people within this country by seeking options in preventative health, but I knew this time I was risking an unknown. Her words echoed within my psyche, and my best friends knew, along with many other as well. And it wasn't a worry of mine. Aside from just knowing what they could be saying, but overall, it was all justified, and all I needed to do was understand the process for myself.
I fell behind, but it was mandatory. So many people believe I need to gain a great deal of rest, as it seems that I do so much more than the average person.
I still know I have more to do.
I always have more to do.
A child of a world who still believes if I achieve enough I will become free.
Free from poverty.
Free to continue to live among this world in a manner of general equality.
Part of my task consists the empowerment of a culture, a group of inequality.
There is so much more work to do, but to work smarter is important.
Some days I feel like I have less bearing on the world, especially when I feel uncomfortable being in the same room as someone I am unable to connect with..
Reminiscent of my brother, who always wanted to connect with me by sharing my intellectual interests.
As a kid, it was annoying, and now it's admirable, and it's a connection we have.
Though this person within my current life struggles with attaining popularity by taking bits and pieces of others and modifying their behaviors for a time, but they have to work harder, because as with many in this town, the reputation is as sticky as day-old syrup...
And they can't keep anyone's attention for more than 2 days.
A predator as it's been said..
Yet, just as my lessons are not easily learned at times, apparently she doesn't realize her infatuation with being someone like me cannot be attained with a simple home dye job and a promise to others to improve themselves.
To seek attention in the easiest ways to achieve for the moment, but to see the one I am, the window of the mind must be opened and APATHY let go, as well as the desire to become the center of attention BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY...
Even if it means making everyone uncomfortable and claiming a home which is ideally meant to be a communal space.
I had turned the other cheek, I had communicated my uncomfortability and my desire to find balance...
Without fail, my requests are ignored.
And I am supposed to respect her wishes when I am considered little more than an object...
I resist the descriptors...
I seek happiness in finding people who are willing to communicate and cooperate.
Cooperation and respect..
Basic human concepts..
For some..
For some, compassion is their first language...
Moments like this, I'm lead to wonder how much more compassion I need to send into the abyss of challenges before I cast the broken pieces of the shell of my life away...
Casting myself into the shadows of restful slumber in a few minutes..
The place...
The dark...
Holding my breath..
For the moment..
Some might say emulation is the highest form flattery, but not when it's a competition for the hearts of unsuspecting and innocent people.
Pursued people just because I find interest in them..
As if I'm a gauge of interest...
I admire peace, otherwise there would have been a conflict a while ago.
But how much passivity is enough?
Some lessons remain unlearned...
And the lesson plan is going to get a lot more challenging...
I don't expect anything to become equal...
I think I expected too much from them...
Today I'll focus on me, we, us, in lieu of the one who isn't willing to see it right in front of their face.
And for today, who knows how this will affect things..
At this point, I'm going to cast it all away...
I've spent moons figuring out how to overcome...
This obstacle is not mine...
Even though there is some belief that it should be by some camps, though in others I have been very generous thus far..
In the end, the only camp that's gonna matter is the one in my 80-year old self...
If I can make it that far. :)
He Has Sought My Stamina.
To spend nights in places afar.
Tonight, there is heaviness again.
A desire to find where he fits most of all.
A doubt in his heart carries him forward in the most meaningful fashions.
He needed me to tug him out.
I grabbed the end of a rope and unloosened it in front of me like a thinned-out copper wire.
Coming to tonight's recognitions tonight made for a great desire to place my contemplations into the wet grass; and thinking of something other than being harder upon myself than was presumably healthy.
I needed to know what could be done.
Why was it such a force?
I cast my glances to the south and looked upon a forming cloud mass. At this moment I was blessed to harbor the greatest meaning.
The ones enacted through epic tales of mythology and random experiences.
I wondered more about what I didn't know and in a period of about 30 seconds, I let the surroundings take place. Wandering thoughts, interspersed with differing dialogue in so many different forms.
I began daydreaming of more spirits.
The way one does when the search through old ideas in a moment of current revision.
The colors drawn bright and the questions of inadequacy fluttered around my softened outlook upon the apparent situations placed in front of me.
Yes, there was something, as there often is.
I began wondering about how experiences equated a myriad of components, and when the technical aspects of the subject is brought forth, the nodes of one's sensories often experience a great deal of exertion.
Before I Sleep...
I am missing you so much right now.
And I love you too.
I still do and always have.
If this makes me weak... So be it.
Get some rest.
We all have big days ahead of us.
And for now, I wish it was different.
If I awake tomorrow and we were together in the same spaces, I'd tell you everything...
Including all my secrets, hidden from everyone else, and I'd offer up my reasoning.
Whether you accepted it, would only be for you to decide...
I have to believe in majick, crepuscular light and warm embraces.
I want to see the change, as I already am I see in the world.
Yeah.
I was silent... What else was there to say?
In my action showed my worthiness.
This month of embracing the coming light and the scents of the butterfly bush.
What should I ask of you?
What should I ask?
What could you tell me to comfort my concerns?
I await love's return as well.
In this moment of life...
The blink of an eye...
As it sits and waits at the door waiting for its unconditional loved one to return.
The ice has melted.
I desire wholeness.
Please arrive soon.
My wait, long enough.
Only to be myself.
Without purpose I feel empty.
Without connection the light is so dim.
It is a request over a plea.
Relief.
Something more than myself to prove I am worthwhile.
More a reason to do the work I do.
This is the moment, knowing I have so much to offer.
To pick up a bullhorn to shout a great big FUCK YOU to loneliness once and for all.
These battles I've fought in the furthest from in vain.
I'm frustrated with the outcomes...
Sometimes arguing with people for years and years and years...
For things as important as family and feeling like I'm somewhere I am welcomed and belong.
I grow weary of disenfranchisement.
Knowing my words are falling on ears of those who feel my loss is their own gain.
I grow weary of making a case for my own salvation.
I offer my blood, but no one wants it. Obviously, during times of knowledge it's a wise choice.
Why am I surrounded by so many who feel like I'm unapproachable?
Partly because I am, but the slightness of tenderness can create such a tremendous force within my soul.
Am I so strong that those who I cast the brightest light upon are unable to tolerate the place within my own psyche where they will live in my memory for every day during the rest of my life?
I have to get it out tonight.
Tonight I am heavy with love and thought.
They are so thick, they cover the insides of my eyelids.
Best to offer amazing insights, it is what it is.
The head of an amazing human inside myself.
The person I barely know the limits of.
I know who I am in my greatest happiness.
This one I desire to be always.
She is so complex, so powerful, so loving, so disciplined, and tolerant to others.
An able communicator, and a storyteller of the heart and emotion.
The one I can be within the one I already am.
The one with a life so complicated at times, but the same one who calls upon her auto-pilot once in a while, to get her through.
I assure you, you are the center of my attention so often, but as a gifted scholar and writer, when the heart calls me to expel the fluid of my thickened mind, she needs to be released from her heavy and consuming emotional thoughts, I must.
It keeps me healthy...
The moments ebb and flow.
Some days it becomes thicker and more difficult to release than others.
I wish I could explain it more clear.
It isn't a lack of interest, it was an unclear focus and as your security means a great deal of importance to you, mine is sacred as well, but our securities were placed in two domestic arenas of comfort...
This is the only explanation I can offer to you.
So yes, I do love you, and yes, I miss you like I missed the sun.
I've missed you like the lack of snow days this year.
I've longed for the faintest glimmer of hope, and understanding.
And tonight...
It's been especially heavy in that little brain bucket...
The one that finds itself most happy during times of quirkiness and unplanned bliss.
Once again, as usual, my job is to get some rest tonight, for my plans to save the world from itself are concentrated upon my ability to meet and greet those within the construct of requirement to achieve greatest tasks.
I bid thee the best as always.
May we see each again in our greatest of hearts.
What could become of us if we were to finally come together again in the greatest spiritual and physical connections?
Could we endure, knowing what we know of one another and each again?
Are we great enough?
Are we the people we thought the other wanted us to become yet?
I hope we took better care of ourselves than we thought we did.
All my love to you, to all of us.
Yeah, It's Happening.
Sitting down with my thoughts. Thinking about the past 48 hours.
Running the marathon, and finishing the lap.
It was inspiring and there will come a time when I need to stand in front of all of them and answer your own questions aloud.
I feel the desire to provide as much about how long it's been as much as why I need to come back, and most of it is written into memory, but the emotional connection to the actions are important as well..
I feel like I'm being watched, and I know I am and they're just as curious about my motives as I am about theirs, but I travel this road now, knowing what I know and who I know myself to be, this is the most important information I can offer.
The task is going to be quick and I must ensure my ability to be concise and driven to create a beautiful creation once again.
Respect, love and trust.
Can one exist without the others?
Time is on my side.
They have my love and my servitude.
My work, worthy in their eyes.
I have been called.
I know I've said it before.
Everything will work, I know this.
Even if there is more to do than I expected, and there will, but my love is as great as the challenges.
Light the candles, we will be alright.
The fear subsides.
I feel better.
If our lives are greatest in servitude, I don't need to place anything harsh against myself.
Only my truths and my understanding that life it a myriad of elements known and unknown, and the days become so quickly moving, I have little to do but stand and do what I've been set in place to do.
If it wasn't meant for me to do, I wouldn't be here..
The one thing I was nervous about are the things I'm most strong within.
So my pride is within my heart and ability and less a place of anything more than awe inspiring.
I know I'm blessed and surrounded.