No Lady and Her Tramp
by
Kristie Leigh Maguire
and
Mark Haeuser
Published by KLM Books at Smashwords
Copyright Kristie Leigh Maguire and Mark Haeuser 2003
Discover other titles by Kristie Leigh Maguire at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/kristieleighmaguire
Smashwords Edition, License Note
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or if it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
No part of this book may be produced in any form, by photocopying or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage or retrieval systems, without permission in writing from both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book, except for the minimum words needed for review. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to places or persons, living or deceased, are the invention of the author.
Book Blurb
A quirky hysterically hilarious read that is down and dirty!
The steamy, very descriptive sex in No Lady and Her Tramp puts Harold Robbins’ books to shame. The one thing Mr. Robbins’ books did not have is the humor that illuminates in this work of art.
No Lady is one woman’s accounting of the trials, tribulations, and antics of her life, and all of the other colorful characters (some even use the politically incorrect term of trailer trash to describe them) who live in President Park, a run down trailer park in Grapevine, Kentucky.
You may find the palms of your hands sweat, among other things, from the titillating sex that fill the pages. You will also find yourself laughing aloud, as humor runs consistently throughout the book.
These two authors, Kristie Leigh Maguire and Mark Haeuser, by putting their talents together, have written a very funny book laced with pure, unadulterated steam.
Dedication
To all the romance readers around the globe who wanted a romance book that was just a little different - this book is for you!
And to all the people in the world who are just going about their daily lives the best way they know how - anything is possible if you dare to dream!
Don’t get mad! Get even!
Acknowledgements
Our deepest gratitude goes out to author Janet Elaine Smith for her invaluable support and encouragement throughout the writing process of this novel. We extend a very special thanks to Janet for her title suggestion, No Lady and Her Tramp.
Prologue
Beth Ann flung her black nylon jacket, complete with the Kut-N-Kurl insignia from the beauty shop where she worked, onto the chair. She flipped first one high heel into the air, then the other one. She had no idea why she insisted on wearing them, except it was part of her “image.” Not that she had any image to protect. People gossiped about her on a daily basis. You know how it is in a small town; everybody knows everybody else’s business. Only what they didn’t know about her wouldn’t hurt them. But you can be sure it would shock them. Oh, yeah, Beth Ann with the big boobs, as the men down at the local bar and grill where her husband hung out every Wednesday night was always good for speculation. If only they knew!
Beth Ann grinned, then ran a hand through her hair. She glanced into the big gold-framed mirror, deciding that her hair was about due for a new dye job. Her natural color was sort of a washed-out dishwater color, so she colored it once a week, and it had been two weeks now.
“Billy Ray?” she called out. “You home yet?”
The only reply she got was dead silence.
“Billy Ray?” she yelled again, cursing as she stubbed her toe on his pile of empty beer cans. Either he was working late, which he often did down at Rusty’s Automotive Service and Sales, or he had already left for the Amtrak Bar and Grill. His ritual for Wednesday nights was as regular as hers. He would go to the Amtrak, intending to “just drink a few beers with the guys,” and come home after two o’clock-when they locked the place up-so soused he could hardly stand up. It always tickled her that the Amtrak had never come anywhere near them, but they had spent a pretty penny on trying to get it there, so the Amtrak Bar & Grill was built as a reminder of just how futile life can be.
Beth Ann was much more righteous with her Wednesday night activities. She would get cleaned up after a long day at the Kut-N-Kurl, then head off to the Second Baptist Church. The Second Baptist Church was just about as well named as the Amtrak Bar & Grill. There was no First Baptist Church. Never had been, and never would be. If a new one ever came in, it would be the Third Baptist Church. She would faithfully ask for prayer for Billy Ray, that he would “mend his wicked ways” and leave his drink alone. She had become suspicious that lately he was doing a whole lot more than just beer, but she didn’t have any proof of it yet, so at least she didn’t openly accuse him of peddling drugs in the public arena of the prayer meeting.
As soon as the last “Amen” was uttered, Beth Ann would head out the door, straight to Richmond and the St. John’s Catholic Church. No, she wasn’t a hypocrite. Not to her way of thinking, anyway. She went there not to worship. No, they did that far too differently for her. She was happy in her Baptist ways. All she needed from them was the Wednesday night Bingo game. They had the biggest payoffs in town. And she really needed that big one tonight. Things had been spinning in her head at an uncontrollable speed and all she needed to get started was a computer. If she had that, she could finally get them moved out of that damned trailer park. Life there wasn’t fit for a beast, much less a man, and certainly not a woman. The things that happened there were so far beyond belief that if she wrote them into her book, everybody would be sure they were pure fiction. Everybody, that is, except the people who lived the life. The ones who walked the walk. Oh, they would be sure to recognize themselves inside the steamy pages of her novel.
She grinned like the cat that had just swallowed the canary. This was her little secret. She patted her purse, which was sitting on the car seat beside her, as she sped around the corner so she wouldn’t be late for prayer meeting. People always whispered about the “why’s” and “how comes” if someone showed up late.
***
Billy Ray came home and stumbled into the trailer house, knocking the pile of empty beer cans helter skelter. “Why the hell can’t you pick this dump up, woman?” he bellowed. When there was no response, he glanced up at the big round kitchen clock. Damn! 7:15! Hell with the shower. I’ll miss all the fun. He ran outside, jumped into his pickup and headed for the Amtrak. He probably would have gotten a ticket for speeding but the local sheriff was probably already home, reared back in his Lazy Boy Recliner, beer in hand, watching TV. He wasn’t known for his dedication to duty.
“Start the party!” the bartender yelled. “Billy Ray’s here.”
A round of drinks was poured for everybody. For Billy Ray, like always, it was a beer. Only difference in his drinking habits was that on Wednesday night, his beers came from the tap instead of from the can.
Billy Ray was the life of the party. All it took was about three drinks under his belt and he was loose as a lizard. It didn’t matter who bought the first round of drinks after he came in, but it was a guaranteed thing that somebody always did.
***
“I can’t believe it!” Beth Ann repeated over and over again on her way home, her purse tucked between her legs, hoisting her already too-short skirt even higher. “Gotta keep you safe, baby,” she said, patting her purse with one hand and steering with the other.
She glanced up at The Computer Discount Outlet Store. The manager, who she knew intimately well-if you get my meaning-was just locking the front door for the night.
“Yes!” she shouted, veering into the parking lot and laying on the horn like she was on her way to a fire. “George!” she yelled out the window as she kept rolling it down. “George! Wait just a minute!”
George turned to look at the oncoming car and smiled, rubbing his belly like he was starving for something-and it sure wasn’t a hamburger! “Whatcha need, little lady?” he asked. He chuckled to himself; now that ain’t no lady!
“Can you open up for me? I need you to help me. I’ve gotta have it tonight,” she said, her voice coming out in a high pitched squeal at the mere thought of what she was about to do.
“I asked you, whatcha need?”
“I’ve got to get me a computer. I need it right away.”
“You sure you know how to run one of them things now?” George asked her.
“Sure. After that computer course you gave me, I know I can operate it. Simple as 1-2-3. I can do anything I need to do on it.”
“What’s your hurry?”
“I’ve got me a project,” she explained, not wanting to reveal her plan.
“And you want me to be part of that project?”
Beth Ann looked him up and down. “Oh, yeah, you’ll fit into my plan just dandy.”
“So let’s get it on,” he said, trying to imitate that judge who used to be a boxer that had his own TV show.
“Not tonight,” Beth Ann said, grinning at him.
“Geez!” George mumbled. “How’d I let that one slip by?” He really hadn’t meant to say that. It just sort of slipped out. Like a lot of things that happened when Beth Ann was around; they just sort of slipped out.
***
Beth Ann was working away at her computer, sitting at the kitchen table, when she heard Billy Ray drive in. She looked at the clock: two-fifteen. As regular as clock work. Yeah, you couldn’t count on Bill Ray for many things, but you could set your clock by what time he got home on Wednesday night.
“What you got there, little darlin’?” he asked, his words running together like melted butter.
“I got me a computer,” she said, beaming proudly.
“Wha’d you do? Rob a store?”
“I don’t steal nothin’!” she yelled back at him. “You know me better than that!”
“So where’d you get it?”
“I won it, fair and square.”
“You won a computer? How’d you do that?” he asked, not really caring, but asking anyway.
“I won the jackpot at Bingo tonight. A thousand bucks! So I went right over to The Computer Discount Outlet Store’s and bought me one.”
“What are you gonna do with a damn computer?”
“I’m gonna write a book,” she said. “It’s gonna be a best seller.”
“Sure it is, baby,” he said as he crawled into the living room and fell onto the couch. In less than two minutes he was sound asleep.
“You’re gonna be my ticket out of this world,” she said, rubbing her new possession affectionately. She glanced up and down the street in the trailer court. She could see the lights on in several of the windows. She knew, just from observation, exactly what was happening behind every one of those closed doors. “Oh, yeah, baby,” she said, still rubbing the computer. “We’re gonna go places together. Just you and me.”
She watched as the lights in the kitchen went out at Melody’s place. They were followed by the lights flipping on in the bedroom. “Amos is out with his eighteen wheeler,” she said softly to herself. She began whistling the tune from ‘Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Roses’. She knew what was going on there, and it didn’t have anything to do with either eighteen wheels or a dozen roses.
She clicked off the lights and crawled into her own bed. She’d been in her baby doll pj’s for hours so all she had to do was climb into the bed-alone. Some things never change, she thought, and then realized that if she had her way, her whole world was about to change.
“Goodbye, President Park!” she said as she fluffed her pillow and rolled over.
Chapter One
Thursday, March 2, 2000
“I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE”
Who was that seen coming in again late last night from the big city of Richmond? Who has been seen making regular runs into Richmond, always on a Wednesday night after prayer meeting lets out down at the Second Baptist Church? What has she been doing? What is she hiding from us? What was that mysterious big box she had in the back seat of her car as she was seen driving through town on the way home after her ‘Richmond run’ last night? What color will her hair be next week? Inquiring minds want to know!
The sheriff was called out last night to another incident down at President Park. Seems that Troy Finkmyer got just a teeny weenie bit plastered down at the Amtrak Bar and Grill last night and decided to give his wife a few more bruises after he staggered home. When the sheriff arrived, Mary Jo was sitting on the front steps of her trailer, holding an ice pack to her bruised face. She refused to press charges, said she ran into the door - again!
Shirley Snodgrass
Gossip Columnist
GRAPEVINE GAZETTE - Grapevine, Kentucky
***
Beth Ann threw the Grapevine Gazette down in disgust. That damn Shirley Snodgrass! That Shirley thought she was Grapevine’s answer to Hollywood’s Hedda Hopper! You might know you couldn’t get away with nothing in this damn little hick town with that Shirley watching everybody like a hawk. Inquiring minds want to know, indeed! Huh! You just wait till next week when that old Shirley comes into the Kut-N-Kurl for her regular monthly dye job! Wonder how old Shirley will like it when she looks in the mirror after I get through with her and sees the purple hair she’s gonna get. Beth Ann laughed as she fluffed up her freshly dyed Champaign Ice colored hair. That ought to teach her to make fun of my hair color! That Shirley wouldn’t know style if it came up and bit her on her big fat ass!
Beth Ann teetered over to the kitchen table in her red high heels and smiled as she patted her newly purchased computer, her pride and joy. “Me and you are going places, baby,” she whispered. “Those nasty old busybodies here in Grapevine will find out that I’m not just a dyed blonde bimbo. That fat assed old Shirley will really have something to put in her gossip column when my book is published!” She glanced at her watch. Better get her ass in gear. Melody would be at the shop for her perm in less than half an hour.
Beth Ann grabbed her Kut-N-Kurl jacket off the hook by the front door and hurried out to her 1969 black Mustang setting in front of the trailer. She got in and twisted the rearview mirror down and applied a fresh coat of Crimson Coy lipstick as she turned the key in the ignition. The engine sputtered, coughed and died. “God damn you, Billy Ray! Some fucking auto mechanic you are! Why the hell can’t you at least keep my car running?” she banged on the steering wheel in frustration. “All you ever do is drink beer and hang out with your buddies!” she yelled. “I might as well be single for all the hell good you are to me! Now I’m gonna be late for work!” She got out and slammed the door and kicked it with a well-aimed red high heel shoe. “Damn stupid mother effing car! Damn piece of junk!”
Weren’t no use even trying to go back in the trailer to wake up that damn sorry Billy Ray. He hadn’t moved a muscle since he passed out on the couch last night after stumbling in from the Amtrak drunk as a skunk. If he thinks I’m gonna wake him up this morning so he won’t be late for work, he’s got another think coming! I don’t give a shit any more. She opened the back door and picked up the wrench she kept on the floorboard. She yanked up the hood and banged the battery cable. Wish that was Billy Ray’s damn head! She got back in the car and cranked it again. This time the engine sputtered to life. She threw the wrench back into the back seat and squealed rubber as she backed out of the driveway. Gravel flew as she tore off down the road towards the Kut-N-Curl, tape deck blaring out ‘I Heard it Through the Grapevine’.
She lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. Gotta get me one of them fancy shmancy pen names, she thought as she rolled the window down a crack. What can I call myself? Beth Ann Dixon just don’t have the right ring to it. How about J’Lyne Jones? That has a nice ring. No, I don’t like that. Jones is too plain to go along with a fancy name like J’Lyne. I like J’Lyne though. Sound classy like my novel is gonna be. Maybe I’ll just go by the one name like Madonna does. Naw, that’ll never work. Gotta have a fancy last name if I’m gonna use J’Lyne. Ain’t nobody here in Grapevine got a fancy last name.
Beth Ann was in the middle of giving Melody Jackson a perm when it hit her like a bolt of lightning out of the clear blue sky. She jumped up and down, squealing, boobs flopping around inside her black nylon uniform like two pigs in a poke, as she danced around the shop. Melody jumped up out of the chair like she had been shot, perm rods flying every which way.
“Bethany Dickerson!” Beth Ann screamed in a high-pitched squeak. The customers in the shop gawked at her like she had lost her mind. “I got it! That’s it!” She smiled at them mysteriously. Ain’t gonna tell them nothing about what I’m doing right now. She stooped down and starting picking up the perm rods off the floor. Nope, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Plain old Beth Ann Dixon just don’t cut it but Bethany Dickerson had a real nice ring to it, she grinned. When she started signing all them autographs after her book was published, Bethany Dickerson was close enough to Beth Ann Dixon to remember and not sign the wrong name in the book. Yep, that was it! She was gonna be Bethany Dickerson, famous author!
Chapter Two
“….. and that is the weather for this Thursday…”
Billy Ray fell off the couch, hitting his head on the coffee table, as he fumbled for the snooze button on the clock radio. What the hell?
“Fuck!” he swore, peeking through one eye. That damn Beth Ann had left him passed out on the couch last night. The pounding in his head did not mix well with the light drifting in through the open shades.
“Damn it, Beth Ann!” He knew she had opened the blinds on purpose. Slowly he opened his other eye and peered up at the clock on the wall above the TV.
“Damn!” he swore again. It was close to 8:00 am and he was already late. He had three oil changes and a brake job to do today before noon. He needed a little lift.
He stood, staggering across the living room, aiming for the bedroom door. He was almost there when his foot became entangled in one of Beth Ann’s black satin bras.
“God damn!” he screamed out as he went flying towards the wall off balance. He raised his arm just in time to catch most of the blow across his forearm, but his face still hit the metal duck Beth Ann had hung on the wall. It had sharp edges and he felt it slice across his cheek. Blood ran from the wound as he reached down, tearing the bra from around his ankles.
“If she would just clean up this place,” he mumbled, tossing the bra into the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of the bedroom. Wiping more blood from his face, he staggered down the hallway and headed for the bathroom. Why in the hell did he stay so late at the Amtrak last night? There had not been the usual crowd to keep him. Stepping into the bathroom, he reached up and pushed aside the ceiling tile. With his fingers, he found the plastic baggy and pulled it down.
“Just a little snort to clear the head,” he whispered.
He poured a small pile of the white powder onto Beth Ann’s makeup mirror, examined it and poured on some more. With quick movements, he used his razor blade to cut out a few lines. His head pounding, he placed the straw in his nose and snorted deeply. The cocaine sped up into his nose and through his system. He took three snorts per side and then put the baggy away.
“Better hit the shower,” he mumbled, feeling better already. He knew from watching The Discovery Channel that the drug was now entering his mucus membranes and entering his system. He should be good as new by the time he got out of the shower.
Fifteen minutes later he was dressed and jumped into his old Ford pickup. On the seat, he found his Colt .45 and three empty magazines. Oh shit! He rubbed his eyes. They had been shooting at that possum last night off of the back deck of the Amtrak.
“Lucky bastard,” he said firing up the Ford. “Not one of us even touched him.”
It had all started after Nub Meeker went outside to take a leak. The bar was crowded, so it was far quicker to simply hang it from the deck. Soon he was back in, yelling that there was a possum out there in the weeds and he had seen it clearly. Of course Thelma Williams had called out that she would cook it up for them if someone went out and shot it. Everyone, of course, looked at him. It was well known that he had more guns than a K-Mart sporting goods section and he always carried one close by. He had stepped out into the lot and retrieved his Colt from the glove box of his truck and loaded it.
What happened next was probably the most embarrassing moment of his life. The bar crowd poured out onto the deck to watch the timely demise of the feeding possum. Trent Barker, the owner of the Amtrak, turned on the high intensity floodlight he reserved for poaching deer. With the crowd at his back, Billy Ray took his place and put his sites onto the soon-to-be dead animal. As they chanted his name, he took a careful bead and fired!
The flying dirt did little to hurry the demise of the possum that continued to eat whatever it was dining on. After the first full magazine, Billy Ray was angry and the crowd was rolling about laughing. Hell, Trent even offered to buy another round of beer as Billy Ray reloaded.
The second magazine did little more than cause the rodent to scurry away a bit into the open field. Now the crowd roared! There was no way Billy Ray would miss the possum in the open. By the time the weapon was empty, there was no sign of the possum who had run away uninjured, and Billy Ray stood alone on the deck. He had missed every shot.
“Come on,” Barker offered out of the bar door. “I’ll buy you a beer.”
Dejected, Billy Ray placed the empty gun in his coat pocket and went inside.
Now, as he drove to work, he realized he had two major problems. One - the possum had ruined his image as a dead shot and killer of small animals. This was really bad. Two - he was out of bullets and driving about town with an empty gun. This was a complete catastrophe! What if some crazed druggie tried to car jack him like they did in the big city?
Aw,
hell! Ain’t never happened here anyhow. Shaking his head, he
drove the last two blocks to work.
***
“I’ll be heading home, Billy Ray. Lock up, okay?”
Billy Ray glanced up from under the Buick and waved to old Rusty, the owner of Rusty’s Automotive Sales and Service.
He glanced at his watch. It was time for The Crew to arrive. The Crew, as they were called, was a group of hard-drinking construction workers who stopped by nightly to polish off a few cold ones before heading home or to the Amtrak.
At 4:15, Gordy was the first to arrive with a case of Pabst under his arm. He walked past the Buick just as Billy Ray finished the muffler job. He was stuffing beer into the old refrigerator as Jack and Pinto walked in, each with a case of Budweiser.
“Howdy, Billy Ray,” Jack greeted as he handed him a cold can of Bud.
“Good to get this day over,” Billy Ray replied, popping the top and taking a drink.
“Heard you lost your better judgment last night,” Pinto said as he lit up Marlboro. “Out back of the Amtrak.”
Lighting his own cigarette and smiling, Gordy chuckled. “Yup. I heard that possum not so much as shivered.”
“Over in Orange County, bragging to his relatives they say,” Jack chimed in with a mocking smile.
Billy Ray just shook his head; this was going to be a long night!
“And I also heard that Beth Ann got herself a computer,” Jack announced. “What in the hell she gonna do with that?”
Billy Ray shrugged. “I don’t know fer sure,” he replied.
“Porno.” Pinto began to chuckle loudly as he blew smoke into the air.
“Yeah,” Gordy piped in. “My brother had a good marriage until his old lady got one. Next thing he knew she was talking on it to some slick dude from Texas and zap!” he snapped his fingers. “She left him and headed there like that.”
The group shared a nod. They had all heard the story.
“Oh shit!” Billy Ray moaned. Reaching into his pocket, he removed a couple of Percocets and popped them into his mouth.
“Yup, the old lady gets a computer and you put on that dazzling shooting display. Hell, this town ain’t had this much news for months!” Jack was laughing loudly and the rest joined in.
But Billy Ray could not see one funny thing in any of this!
Chapter Three
Thursday, March 9, 2000
“I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE”
Seems that a certain lady (we won’t name any names!) didn’t make her regular Wednesday night run to Richmond last night after church let out down at the Second Baptist Church. She was seen hurrying towards home soon as the last Amen was said. Didn’t even stick around to shake the preacher’s hand. What is she up to anyway? She’s sporting a new hair color this week, flaming red. What color will it be next week?
The volunteer fire department was called out last night to President Park. Wasn’t much of a response as most of the volunteers were down at the Amtrak getting snookered. Seems Troy Finkmyer had a fire in the shed out back of his trailer. The boys managed to hook up the garden hose to the faucet out back and save the shed. The shed suffered smoke damage and Troy suffered minor burns on his hands. What’s Troy doing out in that shed anyway? Inquiring minds want to know!
Shirley Snodgrass
Gossip Columnist
GRAPEVINE GAZETTE - Grapevine, Kentucky
***
“God damn that Shirley!” Beth Ann slammed her coffee cup down so hard on the kitchen table that coffee splattered everywhere, drowning out Shirley’s words in the Grapevine Gazette. “Why the hell can’t she let me alone in that piddly ass little gossip column of hers!”
Billy Ray came stumbling into the kitchen. “What the hell you yelling about, woman? Can’t you see I got a headache here?”
“If you’d lay off some of that frigging beer, you wouldn’t have a headache all the time, Billy Ray. Just look at you, ain’t you just a sight for sore eyes this morning! Hell, your eyes look like a roadmap. When you ever gonna learn?”
“Get off my back, Beth Ann! You don’t look much better sitting there with coffee all over your lap. Why the hell ain’t you dressed for work already?”
“I ain’t going to work today, Billy Ray. Where the hell is your mind these days? Don’t you remember this is my Thursday off?”
“Whatcha going to do today, Beth Ann? Play with that fancy shmancy computer some more?”
“I ain’t playing with it!” she screamed. “I’m writing a novel!”
“You can’t write no novel, Beth Ann,” Billy Ray laughed. “I don’t know how come you ever got the notion in your head that you could write a novel. Who the hell do you think you are, Danielle Steel? Whatcha writing about anyway?”
“It ain’t none of your frigging business what I’m writing about, Billy Ray! I ain’t gonna tell you. All you do is make fun of me and I’m just plain getting sick of it. If you don’t watch out, I’m gonna trade you in on another model. Your beer belly ain’t the most attractive thing to look at in bed. I’m wanting a real man around here. When’s the last time you gave me a little nooky, anyhow? There’s plenty of other men out in this world that wouldn’t mind satisfying me!”
“Yeah, they’re lined up down the street waiting till I leave and then they’re gonna come in her and fuck your brains out, ain’t they, Beth Ann? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. You ain’t no prize catch yourself, sweetheart! You’re getting just a bit on the plump side here lately.”
Beth Ann threw the paper at Billy Ray. “Get your ass on outa here and get to work before I smack you one, you lousy excuse of a husband! You think nobody wants me, huh? You’d be surprised how many people wants a piece of my ass!”
Billy Ray grinned as he walked over behind Beth Ann and grabbed her ass with both hands. He nuzzled her neck, whiskers scraping her, as he whispered in her ear, “You just better not give anybody but me a piece of that ass, Beth Ann. That ass is mine and don’t you forget it.”
Beth Ann twisted around in his arms and glared at him. “Don’t think you can get off that easy, Billy Ray. I’m mad at you, now you just let me alone!”
“Aw, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make fun of you. You just go ahead and play around with writing that novel if that makes you happy. Hell, I might even give you a surprise tonight when I get home from work.” He winked at her suggestively and laughed.
Beth Ann slapped at his arm and laughed. “Oh hell, Billy Ray, get on outa here and go to work. You know I can’t stay mad at you. I just might have a surprise for you when you get home from work tonight. Never can tell,” she grinned.
***
Beth Ann lit the candles and turned out the lights as she heard Billy Ray’s truck roaring up the driveway. Hope he ain’t too damn drunk for his surprise. I read about this on one of them romance forum boards today and it’s damn sure worth a try. Gotta do something to spice things up around here. Me and Billy Ray been sadly lacking in the romance department for a long time. I’m horny as hell and I’m gonna get me some tonight if it kills me!
She heard him open the door and she jumped out from behind it and yelled, “Surprise!”
“God damn, Beth Ann, you scared the shit outa me! Damn it’s dark in here. What’s going on? Did you forget to pay the electric bill again?”
“Naw, Billy Ray, I didn’t forget to pay the electric bill. I told you I just might surprise you tonight and here I am!”
“Damn, Beth Ann! Where’d you get that black skimpy thing you got on? Jesus Christ, look at you! Wow! Hot dog, we gonna get laid tonight, ain’t we, sweetheart?”
“If you ain’t too drunk to get it up, we will!”
“Just let me go get a shower and wash this god damn grease off me and I’ll show you I can get it up!”
“Well you better hurry, Billy Ray, or I’m gonna start without you!”
“Whatcha mean, you’ll start without me? How you gonna start without this?” he laughed as he cupped himself in his hands and held it up to her.
“Oh you’d be surprised what a gal can do without one of them things, Billy Ray. I been reading all about it on my computer. A gal can do a lot all by herself!”
“You gonna show me whatcha can do without Old Pete here, Beth Ann?”
“I just might!” she laughed. “I’m learning a lot here lately!”
***
Beth Ann was lying in the bed when Billy Ray came in out of the shower. She smelled that imitation Polo she had bought him at Wal-Mart in Richmond before he got near the bed. Damn, he don’t have to drown himself in that stuff! Hell, he won’t even be able to smell my imitation Escape that I bought myself he’s got so much of that crap on.
The light from the candles flickered off the white blinds on the windows throwing mysterious shadows into the bedroom, as Billy Ray walked up to the bed, buck-naked. Beth Ann sat up and propped the pillows behind her head and grinned. Old Pete was poking out in front of Billy Ray like a bird dog that had just caught scent of a nice juicy quail.
He stood there in front of her, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “Now whatcha going to do with this, baby?”
Beth Ann pulled that little black lace nighty off over her head and her boobs glistened in the candlelight. She cupped them in her hands and laughed. “Whatcha gonna do with these, Billy Ray?”
Billy Ray crawled into bed. “Hell, Beth Ann, maybe we can figure out something to do with’em.” He straddled her with Old Pete staring at them boobs with his little single eye. Tears were beginning to form in Old Pete’s eye.
Beth Ann leaned down and licked the tears off Old Pete with her tongue. Old Pete jumped. Beth Ann laughed. “Why don’t you put Old Pete right here in between these boobs, Billy Ray, and let’s see what we can do.”
Billy Ray took Old Pete in his hands and slid him in between Beth Ann’s boobs. Beth Ann cupped her boobs in her hands and held them around Old Pete as Billy Ray worked Old Pete back and forth between them boobs. Beth Ann leaned her head down and took Old Pete’s tip in her mouth and helped him out. Billy Ray groaned. “God damn, Beth Ann, that feels good!”
“Yeah, Billy Ray, I can see it’s feeling too damn good. You get off me right now. I ain’t about to let you cum without me tonight! I want some too!”
“Aw hell, Beth Ann, I ain’t gonna forget about you. I just wanted to have a little fun!”
“Well, you’re having too much fun, Billy Ray. Now turn your ass around and lets do something else.”
“Whatcha want to do now, Beth Ann?”
“You just turn your ass around and I’ll show you what I want to do!”
Billy Ray turned around in the bed with his ass end up by Beth Ann’s face. Beth Ann took Old Pete in her mouth and sucked on him, up and down, and licked her tongue in little swirls. Billy Ray’s hips bucked as he grabbed Beth Ann’s head and pulled her closer. Beth Ann spit out Old Pete. Billy Ray groaned, “Now why the hell did you stop this time, baby?”
“You think you just gonna lay there and get all the enjoyment, Billy Ray? Now you get busy down there or I’m gonna get up and leave you here all by yourself!”
“Oh hell no you ain’t, Beth Ann! You’re ain’t gonna leave me hanging now!” He nuzzled her with his mouth and his tongue found her.
She squirmed and wiggled closer to him. “Now that’s more like it, Billy Ray!” She took Old Pete back into her mouth as Billy Ray went to work with his tongue. She was hot and panting and her insides felt like they were on fire. Been a hell of a long time since I felt this good! She could feel she was fixing to explode. She locked her legs around Billy Ray’s head as her insides started quivering. She almost swallowed Old Pete as she felt as her climax starting. Billy Ray grabbed her ass and held on as she bucked and jumped under his tongue. Old Pete slipped out of Beth Ann’s mouth as she screamed out in joy and she reached down and grabbed Billy Ray’s head to her and damn near pulled him bald headed as she hung on for dear life.
“Ouch, Beth Ann, god damn! Let go of my hair!”
Beth Ann laughed. “Shit, you know how to spoil a wet dream, Billy Ray. Get your ass up here on top of me and fuck my brains out. You just now got me warmed up!”
Billy Ray crawled on and poked Old Pete in. Beth Ann was so wet that he went in easy as pie. Beth Ann locked her legs around Billy Ray’s and they began moving together, slipping and sliding, round and round, up and down. Beth Ann grabbed Billy Ray’s ass and held on as she moved with him. Damn, sex with him was still good! She clawed at him with her Crimson Coy fingernails and he yelled, half in pain and half in delight.
“Damn this feels good, Beth Ann!”
“Damn tooting, Billy Ray! We still got it, baby!”
“Hold on, Beth Ann, Old Pete’s about ready to cum!”
“Any time, baby, any time! I’m ready too!”
“Here we go then! Hang on, honey, here we go!” Billy Ray cried out.
Beth Ann hung on and they rode the roller coaster ride together and came out on the other side, limp as a dishrag. Billy Ray collapsed on Beth Ann.
“Get your heavy ass off me, Billy Ray!”
They rolled over in bed and snuggled up as outside the music blared from the trailer next door.
Chapter Four
Beth Ann was up and out of the house before Billy Ray even raised an eyebrow. He rolled over in bed and suddenly realized she was gone. “Damn, I wanted another round of that,” he mumbled before he checked the time. “Shit! It is already 9 am.”
He swung his legs to the floor and tried to clear his mind. What in the hell had she tried to do to him last night? Smiling, he realized that it had been pretty damn good and it was better not to ask too many questions. Staggering, he managed to pull on an old pair of sweat pants - the ones with the hole between the legs, his favorite pair that was just now getting broke in good. He made it into the hallway and to the kitchen with little problem. Strange as it was, his head was real clear today. He didn’t even stop for a dose of coke or percs. Shows what a good woman can do. The right one can make you and the wrong one can break you.
He was running this through his mind when he heard the sound of the lawnmower.
“Son’ bitch!” he exclaimed, snatching his pack of cigarettes from the counter. “This is Friday, it ain’t supposed to be happening on a Friday!”
He vaulted from the front door of the trailer and hit the ground running. His nuts popped from the hole in his raggedy sweat pants and he had to stop and poke them back inside his pants.
“Damn! I ain’t got time for this!” he swore.
Glancing down the street, he saw Nub Meeker coming his way as if his ass was on fire. He had a case of Bud strapped to the back of his Honda 400 motorcycle and a look of dismay plastered across his face. From the back yard he heard the sound of the grossly overweight Theodore ‘Teddy Bear” Swiggums as he raced around to where Billy Ray stood.
“What in the hell is going on?” Teddy Bear demanded as he huffed and puffed, trying to get air. Across the driveway Nub had slid into the lawn and tore up half of the grass before hitting that old pile of tires and almost wiping out.
“Ya,” Nub screamed. “I was almost headed for work. Who changed the goddamn schedule?”
Billy Ray shrugged. “I don’t know, boys. She ain’t supposed to be out here today. Tomorrow was the regular grass cutting day.”
In unison they turned as the sound of the lawnmower grew louder. Down the street she came, like a princess in white. Patty Louise Coleman, the daughter of the caretaker for President Park.
“Oh my Gawd!” Nub was shaking. “She is wearing that white mini dress and halter top!”
“No shit!” Teddy Bear grabbed a beer and sat down in Billy Ray’s lawn chair.
Billy Ray watched her as she wiggled that tight ass down the street and for some strange reason it just did not interest him this morning. Whoa! He shook himself hard and added a slap to the side of his head. Patty Louise in a halter and mini and I’m not interested? Was Beth Ann that damn good last night?
“Better have a beer and settle down,” he told himself. “A man should not rush into such things.” And that was when the thought hit him. Was Beth Ann on that damn computer talking porno to some slickster and getting all horny, expecting him to be her love slave?
“Shit no!” he muttered, shaking his head as he scratched his belly. “Beth Ann could never find some guy like me. Sheeit, last night proved that.” Popping the top on his Bud, he sat down and joined the fellas as they watched Patty approach his lawn.
Turning off the machine, she smiled a she approached the table. “Morning, fellas,” she greeted.
“My Gawd!” Nub muttered under his breath. “I swear there is sweat between them two ripe breasts of hers!”
“I seen it too!” Bear added. “Damn! For a young innocent type, she sure does know how to put it on display.”
As they talked, Patty walked straight up to Billy Ray and leaned over. “So can I mow your lawn, Billy Ray?”
Billy looked from her eyes to her chest. He could just see the point of a hard nipple under her halter. Usually this would have caused him quite a stir, but today it just was not working.
“Uh, sure go ahead,” he answered.
“For five dollars?”
“Ya, sure,” he answered.
She hopped away smiling and Nub took a serious look at Billy Ray. “What in the hell is wrong with you?”
Billy Ray shrugged. “I ain’t rightly sure. Last night Beth Ann had a surprise for me.”
“She clobber you again with that old baseball bat?” Bear asked.
“Naw,” he answered. “I came home and she had candles and what not. Next thing I know she was seducing me, like one of them dudes on the Soap Operas.”
“Hell, that ain’t nothing fancy,” Nub interjected. “Heard she does it for all of the boys downtown at the Kut-n-Kurl.”
“Does what?” Billy Ray asked, as if snapping awake.
“Seduce them.”
Billy Ray was on his feet in a split second. The lawn chair fell backward and hit the concrete just as his fist slammed across Nub Meeker’s jaw.
“Don’t be talking like that about Beth Ann!” he warned picking up his chair and sitting back down.
Nub rubbed his cheek. The blow had hurt and he had seen stars. “Well damn it, Billy Ray, what was that for?” He had run down Beth Ann for years to Billy Ray. What was different now?
“I just don’t want to hear it,” Billy Ray said. “She told me last night I am the only man in this town who makes her crank turn,” he crunched his beer can, “and I think it is about time you boys see me for what I am.”
“What is that?” Bear asked raising an eyebrow.
Billy Ray stood and puffed out his chest as he leaned back slightly and half closed one eye. “I am a goddamn super stallion!” he announced. He twisted slightly to do one of them bodybuilder poses and his nuts dropped from his sweat pants.
“Gawd! I want to puke!” Nub exclaimed, swallowing hard.
Bear nodded, agreeing. “This is about all of the macho bullshit I can take for one day.”
Stuffing his balls back inside, Billy Ray sat down. “Serious, boys. I don’t want to hear no more shit about Beth Ann. After last night, I think we may be onto a new and different path to happiness.”
“What?” Nub asked blinking.
“Heard it on The Discovery Channel,” Billy Ray admitted. “When couples find that they are really more interested in each other than what is on the other side of the fence.”
“Huh?” Bear turned, reaching for another beer. “What in the hell are you getting at?”
“Like the old bull and the young bull,” Billy Ray explained. “Run down and screw one or walk down and screw them all. Except I can stay home and screw the best one in town.”
As he was talking, Troy from trailer 24 drove by, his sinister-looking ferret face peering at them from his car.
“Well, old bull, better watch that one right there,” Bear warned. “I hear he’s been making all of the rounds in town.”
Billy Ray’s fist slammed the table. “He better not be at my gate,” he warned.
“What you gonna do? Shoot him?” Nub asked with a mocking grin.
“Maybe,” Billy Ray nodded.
“Better practice,” Bear said. “Nub told me about the other night.”
“Hey, shut up!” Nub said. “Patty is done in the back and coming around the front now.”
They sat in silence as she mowed the front lawn and gave them a real good show. Nub and Bear were overjoyed. Billy Ray, however, just sat there.
“Troy Finkmyer, huh?” He began planning right away. “I will take care of that little commie pinko, mommy’s boy,” he swore. “Nobody is going to get Beth Ann while we are rediscovering the blossom of our love.” He stood as Patty made her way down the street to another victim.
“What you going to do today?” Nub asked.
“Got me a transmission job today at noon,” Billy Ray answered. “Rusty knows I ain’t worth a shit on Fridays anyway.” He shrugged as his eyes glanced down the lane to where trailer 24 sat.
“Damn son of a bitch!” he whispered under his breath.
Chapter Five
Thursday, April 20, 2000
“I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE”
The members of the Second Baptist Church had quite a scare this past Easter Sunday. A certain someone who hasn’t been seen at church in a coons age walked in, holding on to the arm of his lady, who was sporting a brand new purple mini dress with a matching wide-brimmed straw hat sitting on top of her freshly dyed mahogany-colored hair. The Members held their collective breaths in anticipation of the roof caving in as the couple sashayed down the aisle and sat down on the second pew, pretty as you please.
The sheriff was called out to President Park again last night. Seems there was a horrific fight between two of the male residents of the park. Seems the one ‘gentleman’ accused the other ‘gentleman’ of ‘sniffing round his back door after his ole lady’. We won’t name any names here, but the lady in question is sporting a brand new short pixie hair-do of a certain mahogany color.
What is going on in President Park? Inquiring minds want to know!
Shirley Snodgrass
Gossip Columnist
GRAPEVINE GAZETTE - Grapevine, Kentucky
***
“God damn you, Shirley! You old cow! When in the hell you gonna let me alone?” Beth Ann screamed as she threw the Gazette down in disgust. “And God damn you, Billy Ray,” she yelled as she jumped up out of her chair, tipping it over backwards to the floor as she marched around to where Billy Ray was sitting, nursing his black eye. “What did you have to go and get into a fight with Troy for? It’s a wonder the sheriff didn’t haul you both off to jail. Would have served your ass right if he had!”
“Now, Beth Ann, calm down,” Billy Ray mumbled from behind the ice-filled washcloth he was holding up to his swollen eye. I got too bad a headache this morning to put up with you yelling at me.”
“You ain’t heard yelling yet, Billy Ray! I’m just getting started good!” Beth Ann screamed. “You know that damned sneaky Troy is dangerous. You could have been killed! It wouldn’t have surprised me one little bit if he had of pulled a knife on you!”
“Well, I ain’t no slouch when it comes to fighting either, sweetie! I would have showed ole Troy a thing or three if that damn sheriff hadn’t showed up when he did!”
“You better be glad the sheriff showed up when he did, Billy Ray. What the hell good you gonna be to me if Troy cuts you up? Just when I thought we might be getting on the right track with our marriage, you go and pull some fool stunt like this. What the hell was you and Troy fighting about?”
Billy Ray threw the washcloth down and jumped up. “We was fighting about you, Beth Ann! You! That damn Troy has been telling everybody here in town that you are sweet on him! I ain’t gonna stand for it! You are my ole lady and I ain’t sharing your favors with nobody!” Billy Ray yelled. “Oh, God, look what you made me do now, Beth Ann!” he groaned as he held his head in his hands. “I told you I got too bad a headache for this yelling this morning. I’m gonna take my ass back to bed. Now you just get off my back! I was defending your honor!”
“My honor! You were defending my honor! Since when did you care about my honor?” Beth Ann yelled. “You think I don’t know how you talk about me to your buddies? Always running me down and gawking at any woman that walks by. What the hell you care if I sleep with half the guys in Grapevine?”
“Yeah, I admit I’ve done that in the past, sweetie. But me and you are turning over a new leaf, ain’t we? I’m your stud muffin now, ain’t I, baby? We been getting it on pretty good here lately. You been seducing me and driving me wild with them little new ideas you been coming up with. Where’d you learn them things anyway, Beth Ann?” Billy Ray asked suspiciously.
“What does it matter to you where I learned them, you big ox? You been enjoying everything that I’ve done to you, haven’t you? I ain’t heard no complaints from you. I been learning lots of stuff on the internet on my computer. You’d be surprised what I’ve learned. I ain’t even begun to share it all with you.”
“What you writing in that book of yours, Beth Ann? You putting any of that erotic stuff in that book?”
Beth Ann laughed. “You ain’t gonna know what I’m putting in that book till I get through with it. And you don’t worry about what I’m learning off the internet. Hell, I’m just doing a little research for my book, Billy Ray. It ain’t like I’m going out and screwing every Tom, Dick and Harry here in town. I’m giving you the advantage of my newfound learning. You oughta be glad that it’s you I’m sharing it with, Billy Ray.”
“It ain’t every Tom, Dick, and Harry that I’m worried about, sweetie. It’s that damn Troy right here in President Park just four trailers down from my back door that I’m worried about. And he’s been telling everybody that you are sweet on him.”
“Billy Ray, now you are just being plain stupid. I wouldn’t give my little treasures to Troy if he were the last guy on earth! That damn little weasel! I don’t trust him any further than I can throw him. He’s up to something in that damn shed of his out back of his trailer and I just know it! You damn well better not be involved in any of his activities either, or I will kill you.”
“Now, Beth Ann, you know I ain’t involved with nothing Troy is doing in that shed of his out back. I ain’t stupid you know!” Billy Ray whined.
“Well you are involved in something, Billy Ray. I don’t know what it is, but it damn well better not involve drugs. If your ass is hauled off to prison for dealing drugs, you don’t think I’m just gonna be sitting here patiently waiting on you when you get out either! My sexual libido is hotter than ever and I ain’t waiting on you while you’re in prison.”
“Your what is hot? Your sexual libido? Where’d you learn words like that, Beth Ann? Sexual libido. I knew something had been hot around here lately, but I didn’t know you called it sexual libido now,” Billy Ray laughed. “You sure are beginning to think you are hot shit now, Beth Ann, just because you got one of them computers and say you are writing a book.”
“Damn you, Billy Ray! Can’t a person try to improve themselves around this hick town? I’m gonna show everybody in this effing place one day that I ain’t as dumb as everybody thinks I am! You just wait till my book gets published! I’m gonna leave Grapevine and if you ain’t careful, I just may leave your ass here with all the rest of them no good hicks around here.”
Billy Ray sidled up to Beth Ann and tried to pull her into his arms. “Aw, come on, baby. I ain’t making fun of you. Now you know you wouldn’t leave me behind. You been enjoying what I’ve got to give you too much to leave my ass behind.”
Beth Ann slapped him away. “Yeah, I’ve been enjoying what you’ve got to give me, but you ain’t the only guy in the world that’s got one of them things, you know. Plenty of guys in them chat rooms been wanting to take me into a private chat room. Hell, I just make take me an online lover.”
“Now what the hell is an online lover, Beth Ann? How the hell you gonna get screwed through any damn computer?” Billy Ray guffawed.
“You’d be surprised what you can do through that computer, Billy Ray,” Beth Ann smiled mysteriously.
She walked over to the door and opened it. She turned back to Billy Ray. “That computer is fast becoming my very best friend,” she laughed as she went out and slammed the door extra hard behind her.
Rubber squealed and gravel flew as she tore out of the driveway in her Mustang.
Chapter Six
Sunday afternoon at the Amtrak was usually pretty quiet. Oh there would be plenty of customers, but they were generally nursing hangovers and watching the NASCAR race.
Teddy Bear leaned heavily on the bar as Pinto and Jack were playing rap poker for dollars. Just as Jeff Borden passed Dale Garrett in the forty-first lap, Billy Ray walked through the door. He appeared mad and Teddy Bear fished a cold can of Bud from the cooler.
“Here have one on me to feel better.”
“Thanks,” Billy Ray took a healthy pull on his can. “Goddamn rough night and this morning ain’t much better.”
“Heard you got your ass whooped,” Pinto called over from his corner of the bar.
Picking up his beer can, Billy Ray walked their way. He sat down heavily just as Jack rapped out and took another dollar from the stack.
“Again?” he asked. “Might as well make it fifteen even.”
Pinto nodded. “Might as well.” He fished a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. Snapping his Zippo closed, he looked over at Billy Ray. “I wouldn’t show my face if I got whooped by Troy Finkmyer.”
Billy drained his beer and crushed the can. “I did not get whooped,” he defended. “He sucker punched me when the cops showed and I got distracted.” He reached for another can of beer. “Them damn blue and red lights. They kind of blinded me.”
“What you gonna do now?” Teddy Bear asked leaning across the bar top. “You can’t just let this go by.”
Before Billy could answer, Gordy walked through the door. He studied Billy’s face before shaking his head. “Opened your mouth again, didn’t you?”
Billy just shook his head. Bear was right. He had to do something about this.
“I need a plan,” he announced. “I got to catch that son of a bitch Troy Dingleberry in the act of romancing on Beth Ann.”
“Sure, make it legal when you go and shoot him,” Pinto agreed.
“Count me in.” Jack said as he rapped again and took another dollar from Pinto’s pile.
“You were in the army, Gordy. Any ideas on how to go about this?”
Gordy stepped to the bar and took the can of Pabst Bear had placed there. Holding it in his hand, he adjusted his faded Vietnam vet hat and thought a second.
“We need to run a little counter surveillance,” he said. “I got the stuff at home to do it. I’ll have to run back and pick it up.”
“Hey, I was in Vietnam,” Jack said. “How come you didn’t ask me for my advice?”
“You were a truck driver,” Pinto pointed out. “And your only confirmed kill was the hood of your truck!” He chuckled loudly, draining his beer. “Hey, Bear! Bring us a round,” he called out.
Bear brought out fresh beers as they gathered around the table.
“How we gonna do this?” Billy asked.
“Well, we know he drives a cab, right?”
“Yup. For Affordable Cabs.”