Golf According to Willie
By:
R. H. Politz
Copyright © 2010 R. H. Politz
IBAX
Management Services Corporation
All Rights Reserved
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
IBAX
Management Services Corporation
at Smashwords
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All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
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Ah, the smell of fresh cut grass, the view of open spaces, of those little flags flying in the soft warm breeze and of freedom from the rigors of the office, the boardroom, long stuffy meetings, and house or yard work!
Golf isn't just a sport. It's an escape! It's addictive! And it's therapeutic! But – If you don’t laugh occasionally, it can become a passion of frustration. So, take a deep breath and read on.
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"It would improve the whole economy if men wore mini-skirts and no panties because then, air would get to their brains."
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A hilarious collection of stories, insults and one-liners about the men and women who play golf; If you've never been "on the course", you've missed some of the most comical conversations people have in the semi-secret environment of the fairways and greens. And, it's not just the guys speaking freely. You should hear what some of the "Ladies" are saying when only their friends are around. It's better than a coffee klatch complaint fest, but then, everyone needs an occasional opportunity to release some steam, tension and the frustrations of life.
Have you ever “cheated”? Of course not!
Have your friends ever cheated against you, either on or off the course? Well, perhaps you might find someone you know in the following pages.
You might never achieve a hole-in-one but, a laugh while you're trying, is far better than a weekly visit to the therapist. (Probably cheaper too)
* One *
Sally sliced her shot off into the deep rough and Harry just shook his head in disgust. "Honey," he said, "when we got married 40 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a 12 inch black and white TV and a cheap car but, I got to play golf with a hot 24 year old girl who played golf almost as good as I do. Now, we have a million dollar house, a huge plasma TV and a couple of very expensive cars but I'm living with a 64 year old woman who can't even keep the ball on the fairway. I don't think you're holding up your end of the bargain."
"Well," Sally replied, "go out and find yourself a hot 24 year old girl who can play almost as well as you and I'll make sure that you have a cheap apartment, a 12 inch black and white TV and a cheap car."
***
Hey Shari, come out to the golf club with us. There's lots of guys there. It'll be fun to play with them."
"I don't know. What kinds of guys play golf? Mom taught me some rules so I'd know who the right guy is and I always follow them."
"Really... what rules are those?"
"Well, he has to be:
1. Handsome, so he looks good on my arm.
2. Charming, so my friends love him and envy me because he's my property.
3. Financially successful with lots of expensive stuff.
4. A caring listener so I can manipulate him with just a few words and a tear or two.
5. Witty so I don't have to pretend I'm impressed with his stupid boring opinions too often.
6. In good shape so I don’t have to visit my boyfriend or girlfriend for ALL of my ooooowees.
7. Dresses with style so I don't have to do too much dog training.
8. Appreciates the finer things like wines, clothes, vacations, etc. so I'll have everything I deserve.
9. And is full of thoughtful surprises so I can say things like, "Oh honey, you put the villa, the estate and the bonds in my name. How thoughtful sweetie! Oh by the way, I’ll need our private jet to go to Switzerland for a few days."
"Wow! Is that what your mom did?"
"Yeah... three times... where do you think she got my house, my car and my expense account from?"
***
Two women were struggling on the sixth hole when four men asked to play through. As they passed the women overheard their conversation.
"Kristy, why do men like blonde jokes so much," asked Sally.
"Because they can understand them."
***
Lou and Gary were getting ready to tee off when Lou noticed Gary had a complete new set of the best clubs on the market.
"Wow, nice clubs Gary, have they helped your game at all?"
"Absolutely," replied Gary. "They've added at least 20 yards to my slices, 40 yards to my hooks and you should see the size of my divots."
***
Ring, ring... "Hey Judy, the girls are getting together to play golf, and... we're going to the spa afterwards. Do you want to come?"
"I'd love to. Give me a few minutes to fake an orgasm and I'll be right over."
***
Have you ever noticed that male bosses end every sentence with a proposition?
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It was a beautiful morning, perfect for golf but Sally looked sad. "What's wrong?" asked one of her girlfriends.
"I feel really bad for my best friend Jessica."
"What happened to her?"